Psychotherapy of an Opera Phantom
by AngelxPhoenix
Summary: Erik is finally getting the help he needs...
1. First Session

**I literally woke up with this in my head this morning. I've got plenty of ideas, so if you want more, let me know. Raoul will be dropping in from time to time, so expect him when you see him. Hope you like it!**

**Oh, and I don't own any of the Phantom characters. **

DR. LOVEJOY: Hello, Erik. I'm Dr. Lovejoy, your new psychiatrist.

ERIK: …

DR. LOVEJOY: Feeling sullen today, are we?

ERIK: …

DR. LOVEJOY: Well, we both know why you're here, don't we? The judge ordered you to spend time in therapy after the _Don Juan _incident, during which you may or may not have burned down the Opera House, depending on which version of you we're dealing with. Today, I thought we'd start with—

ERIK: It's called _Don Juan Triumphant, _thank you very much.

DR. LOVEJOY: Pardon?

ERIK: My opera. You got the name wrong.

DR. LOVEJOY: Ah, my mistake. And how does that make you feel, my getting the name wrong?

ERIK: …

DR. LOVEJOY: So you're just going to sulk again?

ERIK: …

DR. LOVEJOY: This is getting us nowhere fast, Erik. I may call you Erik, right?

ERIK: Actually, I would _prefer_ to be called "Monsieur le Fantome."

DR. LOVEJOY: Why?

ERIK: Because that's the image of my inner badass. And it just sounds cooler.

DR. LOVEJOY: So you have several names?

ERIK: Yes.

DR. LOVEJOY: Mm-hm. *makes note on clipboard* What are some of these names?

ERIK: Well, there's "the Phantom."

DR. LOVEJOY: *mumbles as writes* …deranged sociopath…

ERIK: And "the Opera Ghost," or O.G. for short.

DR. LOVEJOY: …extortionist…enjoys intimidating others…

ERIK: What?

DR. LOVEJOY: Nothing. Please continue.

ERIK: Right. *glances suspiciously at clipboard* There was "Angel of Music," I really liked that one…

DR. LOVEJOY: …God-complex…

ERIK: All right, what are you writing?

DR. LOVEJOY: Just taking notes. Keep going.

ERIK: I was "the good genius" for a while.

DR. LOVEJOY: …egotistical…narcissistic tendencies…

ERIK: I was on display as "the living corpse," but Schumacher changed that to "the Devil's child," I have no idea why.

DR. LOVEJOY: …obsession with the macabre…But what do you call yourself?

ERIK: Usually just "monster."

DR. LOVEJOY: *scratches out "narcissistic tendencies"* Why do you call yourself "monster"?

ERIK: Well, doc, look at me.

DR. LOVEJOY: …

ERIK: What?

DR. LOVEJOY: I'm just confused. Which version are you supposed to be, because some of you are just God-awful—no offense meant—

ERIK: None taken.

DR. LOVEJOY: And some of you don't even look that bad.

ERIK: You must be referring to the Sunburn of Doom…that _is _pretty bad for my street cred. People don't seem to think the hunky, slightly mutated me is all that scary. They actually seem to _like_ it…They think it's sexy…

DR. LOVEJOY: And is this a bad thing?

ERIK: *spazz attack* Erik isn't _supposed_ to be _sexy!_

DR. LOVEJOY: I see. *makes note* Do you often refer to yourself in the third person?

ERIK: Not all the time. It depends on the version.

DR. LOVEJOY: How many versions of you are there?

ERIK: Well, including all the phanfics, there's…*attempts mental tally*…quite a few.

DR. LOVEJOY: That must be very confusing.

ERIK: Pssht, you have no idea! Just _one_ me is hard enough to sort out, but now I've got to deal with _how _many me's with _how _many issues? And people wonder why I crashed that stupid chandelier! *sniff* It's just too much to cope with…

DR. LOVEJOY: *pats Erik on the shoulder* That's why I'm here, Erik.

ERIK: Don't touch me.

DR. LOVEJOY: Right. Sorry.

**R & R, if you'd be so kind. Thank you!**


	2. On Phangirls

**Second session already! This stuff is almost writing itself! R&R, pretty please!**

DR. LOVEJOY: So, Erik, I understand you have developed severe agoraphobia [1].

ERIK: Yes, that is correct.

DR. LOVEJOY: May I ask why?

ERIK: *mumbles something unintelligible*

DR. LOVEJOY: How's that, again?

ERIK: *mutters* Phangirls.

DR. LOVEJOY: Ah. *makes note on clipboard* And why are you afraid of these "phangirls"?

ERIK: They're everywhere, doc! I can't get away from them! I run, they follow, I hide, they find me, I—

DR. LOVEJOY: All right, all right, I get it. But why would a pack of giddy, hormonal young girls scare you?

ERIK: They're not all young. There's a sixty-year-old woman in Idaho who says she wants my body!

DR. LOVEJOY: Where did you hear that?

ERIK: She posted it on my wall.

DR. LOVEJOY: Wall, as in Facebook wall?

ERIK: Yeah. I joined last week. I already have over three billion friends.

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, you realize most of these "friends" are probably phangirls, right?

ERIK: …It hadn't occurred to me, no.

DR. LOVEJOY: *sighs, taps clipboard with pen thoughtfully* You really need to overcome this fear, unless you want to stay in hiding in your lair for the next hundred years.

ERIK: Usually I would disagree with you and just stay in hiding, but with all these phanfics detailing secret passages to my lair, it's not even safe _there_ anymore.

DR. LOVEJOY: Right. Well, I would suggest that you—

ERIK: Hunt down all the phangirls and lock them in the torture chamber?

DR. LOVEJOY: Um, no, I—

ERIK: Drop another chandelier on them?

DR. LOVEJOY: No, I—

ERIK: Should I Punjab the lot of them?

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, would you shut up and let me finish?

ERIK: *starts to slip lasso out of sleeve*

DR. LOVEJOY: Put that away, you know what the judge said.

ERIK: *sighs, stashes lasso again*

DR. LOVEJOY: That's better. Well, it seems to me all these phangirls are on your trail because they think you're available.

ERIK: Available for what?

DR. LOVEJOY: …A relationship.

ERIK: …What _kind_ of a relationship?

DR. LOVEJOY: One of a romantic nature.

ERIK: …

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik?

ERIK: I'm still here, doc.

DR. LOVEJOY: Good, just checking. Now, to get rid of all of them, I suggest you start dating.

ERIK: Dating?

DR. LOVEJOY: *grumbles* Courting, Erik. Courting. The sooner you find yourself a girlfriend, the sooner you lose the phangirls.

ERIK: Girlfriend?

DR. LOVEJOY: _Lady _friend, Erik. Get in the twenty-first century, already!

ERIK: Don't get sore at me. You're the one using all the modern slang. People used to say exactly what they meant with no innuendos or confusion.

DR. LOVEJOY: Mm-hm. *doodles on clipboard* So, like I said, get a woman and that should take care of the phangirls.

ERIK: Yes, but there's just one problem, Dr. Lovelace.

DR. LOVEJOY: Lovejoy.

ERIK: Whatever. You seem to forget that I'm horribly disfigured.

DR. LOVEJOY: So? You said yourself, people think Gerik is sexy. Others have raging crushes on Charles Dance. Hell, some women even go for Lon Chaney!

ERIK: Your point is?

DR. LOVEJOY: Chicks dig you, man.

ERIK: What is _that_ supposed to mean? Speak English!

DR. LOVEJOY: Why? You're French.

ERIK: Robert Englund lived in London.

DR. LOVEJOY: Yeah, the "Freddy Krueger Phantom"…probably best to keep that one under wraps.

ERIK: …Yeah, you're probably right…

[1] agoraphobia: fear of going outside (A/N)

**How am I doing? I'd love to hear from you! :)**


	3. On Anger Management

**I'm having the time of my life here, so I hope you're all enjoying this as much as I am. Thank you, AlteraPars87, for your suggestion. I'll work that in somehow. ;)**

**We have a guest today...can you guess who?**

**I own nothing except Dr. Lovejoy.**

DR. LOVEJOY: How have you been since our last session, Erik?

ERIK: Nightmares, doc. Horrible nightmares.

DR. LOVEJOY: Nightmares?

ERIK: It's the phangirls. They're coming for me.

DR. LOVEJOY: I can give you some pills for that. How has that suggestion I gave you been working out?

ERIK: What? You mean this…dating?

DR. LOVEJOY: Yes. Any progress?

ERIK: Well, not really. I went to this place called a "dance club" and…

DR. LOVEJOY: Yes?

ERIK: …It was the most bizarre, grotesque display I've ever seen, and I've looked in a few mirrors, if you get my drift.

DR. LOVEJOY: No, I follow you.

ERIK: There were flashing lights, and horrid, screeching noises I was told were music. Music! Can you believe that?

DR. LOVEJOY: I can imagine.

ERIK: And there were people thrashing and gyrating to it, and calling it dancing! There were women running everywhere, half drunk, wearing too much perfume, and showing more skin than the _corps de ballet_ ever thought of! And the whole place reeked of sweat and alcohol! These places are supposed to be _popular?_

DR. LOVEJOY: So I take it you didn't enjoy yourself?

ERIK: Nooooo…you think? Some fool who was three sheets to the wind started laughing at my "costume."

DR. LOVEJOY: You mean you went to this club in your mask, fedora, and cape?

ERIK: Yes.

DR. LOVEJOY: …

ERIK: What? He asked me if I was supposed to be the Phantom of the Opera.

DR. LOVEJOY: And?

ERIK: I told him I _was_ the Phantom of the Opera. He laughed so hard he threw up on my shoes. I would have Punjabbed him, but he was already passed out.

DR. LOVEJOY: So…maybe a dance club was a bad idea.

ERIK: …Yeah.

DR. LOVEJOY: But I'm glad you brought up the urge to strangle someone, because I've been meaning to talk to you about that.

ERIK: About what?

DR. LOVEJOY: The homicidal tendencies you have when you're ticked. Erik, you have anger issues.

ERIK: What! I do not have anger issues! How dare you!

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, denial is not just a river in Egypt. Remember the chandelier?

ERIK: That was an isolated incident.

DR. LOVEJOY: Right. Well, the judge said to give you some lessons in anger management, so I thought I'd bring in a guest today.

*door opens*

DR. LOVEJOY: So glad you could join us.

RAOUL: Of course, Dr. Lovejoy.

ERIK: Oh hell no.

DR. LOVEJOY: What?

ERIK: _That's _your guest? The fop?

RAOUL: Hey, I'm not happy about this either.

ERIK: Shut up, kid, the grown-ups are talking.

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, you have to learn to control your temper, and the vicomte and I are going to help you do that.

ERIK: _How,_ exactly? Dragging the dandy in here seems…what's the word? Oh, yes—_counterproductive._

DR. LOVEJOY: Are you saying you want to strangle the vicomte right this minute?

ERIK: *facepalm* What do _you_ think, Freud?

RAOUL: I _told_ you this wouldn't work, I _told_ you.

ERIK: *reaches for Punjab lasso*

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik! Remember what the judge said!

ERIK: He doesn't have to find out about it!

DR. LOVEJOY: What I want you to do is take a deep breath *inhales* and count to ten, then let it out. *exhales*

ERIK: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

DR. LOVEJOY: Just do it.

ERIK: *grumbles, inhales* One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. *exhales*

DR. LOVEJOY: Feeling calmer?

ERIK: …Yeah, not really. *goes for lasso*

RAOUL: What the hell, doctor? You said it would work! He's about to freakin' _kill_ me!

ERIK: *Michael Crawford cackle*

DR. LOVEJOY: Again, Erik. Deep breath, count to ten, then let it out.

ERIK: Oh, come _on, _doc—

DR. LOVEJOY: Do it. Now.

ERIK: *sighs, inhales, counts, exhales*

DR. LOVEJOY: Better?

ERIK: Actually…that kind of helped…

RAOUL: Ha! See, doctor? I told you it would work!

ERIK: Shut up or I'll sic my phangirls on you.

DR. LOVEJOY: Quiet, both of you. Now, Erik, whenever you get annoyed and want to Punjab someone, or lock them in your torture chamber, or drop a chandelier on them, or anything like that, I want you to stop and count to ten. Can you do that for me?

ERIK: You mean I have to do that _every_ time?

DR. LOVEJOY: Unless you want the judge to think twice about committing you.

ERIK: *sigh* I guess.

RAOUL: So I can go now?

ERIK AND DR. LOVEJOY: Shut up.

RAOUL: …

ERIK: …

DR. LOVEJOY: …

ERIK: So, how's Christine?

**Is it just me, or is the idea of Erik at a dance club too dang hilarious? And don't worry, there were no vicomtes harmed during the making of this chapter. Tell me what you think! Thanks!**


	4. Rorschach Tests

**First off, a salute to AlteraPars87 for the great suggestion. I had a blast writing this chapter! Second, the usual disclaimer. Third, as always, please review!**

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, to better understand your personality, I thought we'd do a little experiment today.

ERIK: Sure, doc. Kay made me pretty scientific. Do you know that version, by any chance?

DR. LOVEJOY: I can't say that I do. I'd like to give you some Rorschach tests.

ERIK: Bless you.

DR. LOVEJOY: Pardon me?

ERIK: You sneezed.

DR. LOVEJOY: I did?

ERIK: Right before you said "tests."

DR. LOVEJOY: …Anyway, I have here ten cards with ink smeared on them. I want you to look at them and tell me what you see. Clear?

ERIK: As glass.

DR. LOVEJOY: Good. *holds up card*

ERIK: Paper and ink.

DR. LOVEJOY: …*holds up second card*

ERIK: Less paper, more ink.

DR. LOVEJOY: …*holds up third card*

ERIK: A lot of paper with very little ink.

DR. LOVEJOY: For the love of…Erik, what _pictures_ do you see in the ink?

ERIK: Ohhhh…I get it now.

DR. LOVEJOY: Good. *holds up first card*

ERIK: Uh…a broken chandelier.

DR. LOVEJOY: Right. *holds up second card*

ERIK: Looks like a…gondola with an organ on the back.

DR. LOVEJOY: Okay. *holds up third card*

ERIK: Christine's morning face.

DR. LOVEJOY: *holds up fourth card*

ERIK: Christine when she's asleep.

DR. LOVEJOY: *holds up fifth card*

ERIK: Christine giving Carlotta the finger.

DR. LOVEJOY: *glances at fifth card before holding up sixth*

ERIK: Christine with short hair.

DR. LOVEJOY: *holds up seventh card*

ERIK: De Chagny with his head on fire.

DR. LOVEJOY: *holds up eighth card*

ERIK: De Chagny with my lasso around his neck.

DR. LOVEJOY: *holds up ninth card*

ERIK: De Chagny with my lasso around his neck.

DR. LOVEJOY: *holds up tenth card*

ERIK: Joseph Buquet with my lasso around his neck. No, wait!...De Chagny with my lasso around his neck.

DR. LOVEJOY: I see…Erik, I think we need to talk about obsessions.

ERIK: Damn straight, doc. You've got a fixation on these ink smudges.

DR. LOVEJOY: …

**Hope you liked it! I'm still taking suggestions, so if there's something you want to see, just let me know. Thanks!**


	5. On Disfigurement

**A quick thank you to Maxniss Everide for the suggestion. That will be appearing in the next chapter. ;) **

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, let's talk about your deformity.

ERIK: *grumble* Do we _have_ to?

DR. LOVEJOY: I think it would be a good idea, yes. How did you get it?

ERIK: …I'm not really sure…

DR. LOVEJOY: What do you mean?

ERIK: Well, generally, I'm born with it, but…see, Claude Raines was burned by acid, Robert Englund was set on fire, and in the Dario Argento version I wasn't even deformed!

DR. LOVEJOY: Really? *makes note on clipboard* How do you feel about your deformity? Angry? Depressed? Ostracized from the rest of humanity?

ERIK: That's the dumbest question anyone's ever asked me.

DR. LOVEJOY: And the answer is?

ERIK: …All of the above, I guess.

DR. LOVEJOY: *makes note on clipboard* Why do you feel this way?

ERIK: Are you a moron? Don't you _know_ my story?

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, most of the civilized world knows your story. Just answer the question.

ERIK: *sigh* Let's see…Angry because no one ever loved me thanks to my face, depressed because no one ever loved me thanks to my face, and ostracized from humanity because no one ever loved me thanks to my face.

DR. LOVEJOY: So it's affected your self-image?

ERIK: Doc, last time I saw my image in a mirror, it shattered.

DR. LOVEJOY: Well, maybe that's because you were Gerik and you smashed it yourself with a candlestick.

ERIK: …

DR. LOVEJOY: Anyway, what I meant was that it's affected your self-esteem.

ERIK: All those degrees on the wall, and you _just_ got that one?

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, you've got to stop feeling sorry for yourself.

ERIK: I don't have to if I don't want to.

DR. LOVEJOY: For God's sake, man, just get over it!

ERIK: Make me.

DR. LOVEJOY: *sigh* Remember the phangirls?

ERIK: What? *spazzes* Where? Where are they?

DR. LOVEJOY: They're not _here_, Erik—

ERIK: Well, shit, doc, don't scare me like that!

DR. LOVEJOY: …Erik, some people actually _like_ the fact that you're disfigured.

ERIK: I don't buy it. Why the hell would they think like that?

DR. LOVEJOY: It's just in their biological makeup. The point is, while you're busy whining about how ugly you are, no offense meant—

ERIK: None taken.

DR. LOVEJOY: Half of the female population is drooling over you.

ERIK: You mean…what did you call it? Chicks dig me?

DR. LOVEJOY: Exactly.

ERIK: Really? I had no idea.

DR. LOVEJOY: Come out of the cellars more often and you start to learn things, Erik.

ERIK: So…should I stop wearing the mask?

DR. LOVEJOY: Oh, no, it makes you look mysterious, and they like that too. But you should definitely stop throwing temper tantrums when someone takes your mask off you. It tends to freak people out.

ERIK: You mean it might _not_ have been my face that's scared people all these years? Go figure.

DR. LOVEJOY: That's what I've been trying to tell you.

ERIK: Doc, what is this I'm feeling? It's like someone just turned on the light in my head.

DR. LOVEJOY: It's called an epiphany, Erik. People get them from time to time.

ERIK: Really?...Cool.

**Hope you had fun! Leave me some love!**


	6. Field Trip to the Pet Store

**This chapter is dedicated to my loyal reader, Maxniss Everide, for the phantastic idea. It led to a lot of ideas for future chapters! ;)**

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, there have been studies that prove pet owners are generally happier, have a lower rate of depression, and don't feel as lonely as people who don't have pets.

ERIK: That's fascinating, Dr. Killjoy.

DR. LOVEJOY: Lovejoy.

ERIK: Right. But why are we at PetSmart?

DR. LOVEJOY: I thought it would be a good thing if you had a pet to look after. You know, a companion.

ERIK: *shrugs* If you say so, I guess I'm on board. But I've already had a cat, so can we try something new?

DR. LOVEJOY: Of course. What do you think of rabbits? They're cute and cuddly, and require the same kind of care as a cat.

ERIK: Well, that's great and all, but…I don't do cute and cuddly.

DR. LOVEJOY: Okay, then how about a hamster? Relatively easy to care for, still a lot of fun—

ERIK: Aren't those the things that run across the floor in the little exercise balls?

DR. LOVEJOY: Yes.

ERIK: Well, that _does_ sound like fun, doc, but I live next to a lake…

DR. LOVEJOY: …I see your point. Well then, what about rats?

ERIK: Come on, I live in the cellars of the Opera! Rats are a dime a dozen! Besides, after the Argento version, I'm not really—comfortable, with rats.

DR. LOVEJOY: Ah…yes…so, moving on. Maybe you're a reptile person…Could you cope with a snake?

ERIK: Perfect! I can use it as a backup lasso!

DR. LOVEJOY: Right, now, moving on. We could always get you a couple goldfish, I suppose…

ERIK: But I don't have anywhere to put a tank. Do you think they'd like it in the lake?

DR. LOVEJOY: …

ERIK: Okay, maybe you're right. What are some other options?

DR. LOVEJOY: Do you like hermit crabs?

ERIK: Oh! Jeez! What the _hell _is that?

DR. LOVEJOY: A hermit crab.

ERIK: Is it _supposed_ to look like that?

DR. LOVEJOY: Well, it's moving out of its old shell, you see.

ERIK: No way, doc. I'll have nightmares with that thing in my house.

DR. LOVEJOY: *eyeroll* Very well, then. What about a ferret?

ERIK: …You mean a weasel?

DR. LOVEJOY: No, a ferret. It's very different from a weasel.

ERIK: Yeah. It's domesticated. Other than that—

DR. LOVEJOY: For crying out loud, Erik, just give it a shot!

ERIK: *sigh* Fine. *begins to play with ferret, dragging a key ring across the floor for it to chase* Hey, he's actually kind of fun!

DR. LOVEJOY: Yes, Erik. Tons of fun.

ERIK: And he's pretty intelligent, too.

DR. LOVEJOY: A regular Einstein.

ERIK: So…can I keep him? I'll take good care of him, you won't have to do any of the work, I promise!

DR. LOVEJOY: Well, I don't know…pets are a big responsibility…

ERIK: Pleeeeaaaase? *puppy dog face*

DR. LOVEJOY: *sigh* All right, then, you can keep him.

ERIK: Yes!

DR. LOVEJOY: But you have to be the one to look after him! If I so much as have to refill his water dish, he's coming straight back to the store. Got it?

ERIK: Yes, Mother. *to ferret* Don't worry, the doctor's really annoying at first, like most quacks, but you'll get used to it.

DR. LOVEJOY: What was that?

ERIK: Nothing.

**Tell me what you think! And the suggestion box is still open...**


	7. On Personality Disorder

**Everyone has been giving me so many great suggestions I'm going to need a pen and paper to get them all down! I tip my hat to The-Persian666 for this chapter. I never would have thought to bring in this particular guest ("Duh!" moment for A-P). Enjoy!**

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, you remember the daroga, right?

ERIK: *playing with ferret* I might have some recollection of him, yes. Nadir, meet Bucky. *brandishes ferret*

NADIR: Bucky?

ERIK: Yeah, the doc said I should get a pet, and I was out of weird names. Anyway, what are you doing here?

DR. LOVEJOY: Nadir is here to help me diagnose you, Erik. He's been your…well, I _guess_ you could say friend, for a long time, and I think he's qualified.

ERIK: Qualified for what? What exactly are you trying to diagnose?

NADIR: We think you may have rapid-cycling bipolar disorder.

ERIK: What! Are you insane! I've never heard something so ridiculous in my life! I do _not_ have bipolar disorder! *to Bucky* Who's a cute little ferret? You are! You are!

NADIR: Erik, I've known you for many years, and your behavior is extremely erratic. Disturbingly so.

ERIK: And what does that have to do with anything?

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, Nadir tells me that you generally alternate between periods of mania and depression.

ERIK: So?

DR. LOVEJOY: That's textbook bipolar disorder.

ERIK: Prove it.

NADIR: Composing for fourteen days straight with no food or rest—

DR. LOVEJOY: Mania.

ERIK: No, inspiration.

NADIR: Moaning, sobbing, and crawling across the floor—

DR. LOVEJOY: Depression.

ERIK: Now, _why_ did you have to bring that up? It ruins my image!

NADIR: Dropping a chandelier on a crowd of people—

DR. LOVEJOY: Mania.

ERIK: How many times do I have to say it? _Isolated. Incident._

NADIR: Threatening to blow up the Opera House—

DR. LOVEJOY: Mania slash depression.

ERIK: Would you two just stop picking on me?

NADIR: And you locked me and the vicomte in the torture chamber.

DR. LOVEJOY: Mania.

ERIK: Correction, Nadir: You wandered into the torture chamber and got yourself locked in. I had nothing to do with it.

NADIR: You started the torture, didn't you?

ERIK: …

DR. LOVEJOY: Have we made our point, Erik?

ERIK: *sigh* All _right, _I might have…a problem.

NADIR: I've been telling you that for years.

ERIK: Nadir, I'm the Webber version today.

NADIR: And?

ERIK: And that means you don't exist.

NADIR: …

DR. LOVEJOY: Now, Erik, we have several options. We can put you on medication—

NADIR: Not a good idea. In Susan Kay's book he had some issues with addiction.

ERIK: Doc, do you hear someone talking?

NADIR: Oh sweet musical monkeys…Do you see what I have to put up with, doctor?

ERIK: Actually, I do have something I want to talk to you both about.

DR. LOVEJOY: What's that?

ERIK: I think I'm schizophrenic.

DR. LOVEJOY: …

NADIR: …

DR. LOVEJOY: How do you figure that?

ERIK: How else do you explain all these versions of me? They're all my different personalities!

NADIR: And they all happen to be named Erik?

ERIK: Well, sometimes I'm plain Erik, in Claude Raines I was Erique, sometimes I'm Erik Destler, Freddy Forsyth made me into Erik Mulheim—

DR. LOVEJOY: Really? Are you German?

ERIK: Shoot, I don't know. And Andrew Lloyd Webber didn't even give me a _first_ name, the ass hat!

NADIR: That _was _pretty rude of him.

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, you're not schizophrenic.

ERIK: Are you sure?

DR. LOVEJOY: Very. You're just a popular character that's been around for over a century and interpreted many different ways by many different people.

ERIK: So, technically, I'm not even real?

DR. LOVEJOY: You're real in the minds of your fans, but technically, no.

ERIK: …Wow. That kind of sucks. Is Nadir real?

DR. LOVEJOY: He's one of the most overlooked characters!

ERIK: So that's a no?

DR. LOVEJOY: Yes, that's a no.

ERIK: Sorry, Nadir. You really _don't _exist.

NADIR: That's all right. I kind of saw that coming.

ERIK: But if I'm not really real, then why am I in therapy?

DR. LOVEJOY: …You know, that's actually a good question…

ERIK: So I don't have to come back here?

DR. LOVEJOY: No, you do. You're not getting out of it.

ERIK: Say, doc, you're not real either, are you?

DR. LOVEJOY: Nope.

ERIK: So it's a moot point, but are you a man or a woman? The gal writing these hasn't said a word, and I was curious…

DR. LOVEJOY: Neither, Erik. I am gender neutral.

ERIK: …

NADIR: …

**Honk if you liked it! :)**


	8. Anger Management, Part Two

**Thanks again to everyone who has reviewed so far. You guys are awesome! I'll be using your suggestions in the coming chapters, and I can't wait to see what you think of this one. **

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, I called the vicomte back here—

ERIK: Are you finally going to let me Punjab him?

DR. LOVEJOY: No.

ERIK: Dammit!

DR. LOVEJOY: I called him back here for more anger management treatment. You need a healthy way to release your rage.

ERIK: So, can I pound him to a pulp?

RAOUL: He just said _healthy!_

ERIK: What? He didn't say a word about _your _health.

DR. LOVEJOY: Actually, I had something else in mind.

ERIK: Am I going to smash some more mirrors?

DR. LOVEJOY: No. Flying glass is a safety hazard, and replacing mirrors all the time would get expensive.

ERIK: So what? I have twenty thousand francs a month from the managers.

RAOUL: Yeah…you know they switched to euros years ago, right?

ERIK: _WHAT?_

DR. LOVEJOY: Can we get back on track, here?

ERIK: Those lying, cheating, no-good dirty sons of—

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, count to ten and play with Bucky.

RAOUL: Do we _have_ to have the ferret in here?

ERIK: You heard the doctor, little man. The ferret is for therapy.

RAOUL: Then can you keep it away from me?

ERIK: Bucky is a _he, _not an it.

RAOUL: Wait a minute…where's my watch?

*Bucky crawls under couch, dragging watch*

RAOUL: Why, that little—

ERIK: *snickers*

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, restrain that ferret! And give him back his watch!

ERIK: All right, all right, keep your hair on. *returns watch* You were saying, doc?

DR. LOVEJOY: You need a healthy way to express your emotions. I took into consideration your liking for dolls and I've got a solution.

RAOUL: Dolls? Really?

ERIK: …I have no idea what you're talking about.

DR. LOVEJOY: Of course. Well, you're a ventriloquist, right?

ERIK: Depending on the version, yes.

DR. LOVEJOY: But you have no dummy.

ERIK: Is that supposed to be an insult?

RAOUL: Puppet, man. You have no puppet.

ERIK: Oh. Yes, that is correct.

DR. LOVEJOY: Well, now you do. *hands Erik a puppet*

ERIK: What's this for?

DR. LOVEJOY: I want you to use the puppet to communicate your emotions.

ERIK: How?

DR. LOVEJOY: Create a character and go with it.

ERIK: Ah, I see. *sits thinking, then picks up dummy* Dr. Lovejoy, fop, I'd like you to meet Dennis.

DR. LOVEJOY: Hello, Dennis. How are you today?

DENNIS: I'd be doing a lot better if I weren't stuck here with a quack with a clipboard. If I ever find the idiot who came up with "therapy" I'll string him up by his intestines.

DR. LOVEJOY: So you still don't like therapy, or take me seriously as a doctor, I presume?

DENNIS: Right on both counts. You're a complete buzzkill.

RAOUL: *chuckles*

DENNIS: And what are _you_ laughing at, you pansy? If I had a franc—no, pardon me, _euro,_ for every time you've burst into tears in every adaptation ever made, I'd be a millionaire!

RAOUL: Now, why would you say something like that? That's just mean!

DENNIS: What, are you going to cry at me?

RAOUL: *sniff* No…*sniff*

DENNIS: Oh, grow a pair, already!

DR. LOVEJOY: Dennis, you seem to have a lot of animosity leveled towards the vicomte. May I ask why?

ERIK: Why? He just swooped in and—

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, it's Dennis's turn to talk.

ERIK: …

DR. LOVEJOY: Dennis, continue.

DENNIS: …Well, things were going great until _he_ stuck his nose in it. Christine was a star, she had this brilliant, fantastic genius at her beck and call, and then in comes Mr. Fabulous with his _fine horses _and his _perfect hair_, and everything went to hell.

DR. LOVEJOY: So you're saying he stole Christine from you?

ERIK: Well, he _did!_ He—

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, let Dennis speak.

ERIK: *grumbles*

DENNIS: Yeah, he stole Christine! We were fine until he came prancing in!

RAOUL: She thought you were the Angel of Music, for crying out loud!

DENNIS: Shut up, pretty boy, or I'll shave your head.

DR. LOVEJOY: So you were angry when the vicomte started interfering?

RAOUL: Excuse me, interfering? I—

ERIK: Hell yes, I was angry! I—

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, it's not your turn to talk.

ERIK: Oh come on! Can't I get a word in edgewise?

DR. LOVEJOY: So, you're saying you _want_ to talk about this instead of keeping it bottled up inside?

ERIK: Yes, I…wait…_that's _what this is all about? To get me to talk?

DR. LOVEJOY: Did it work?

ERIK: …

DR. LOVEJOY: You have to admit, it _is _preferable to dropping chandeliers on people.

DENNIS: Isolated incident!

DR. LOVEJOY: Shut up, Dennis.

ERIK: You tricked me?

DR. LOVEJOY: Yep.

ERIK: *throws dummy aside* Stupid doll.

**Honk if you liked it! ;)**


	9. Image Therapy

**It's getting hard to choose a topic! So many good ones with so many possibilities! A quick shout-out to the anonymous reviewer named Saharay1 for the idea. I had a lot of fun with it, even if Dr. Killjoy...pardon me, Lovejoy, didn't.**

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, why is there a parrot on your shoulder?

ERIK: Oh, this is Morocco. I bought him at that pet store a few days ago. He talks, and he hasn't shut up yet.

MOROCCO: *squawks* Where's Fonzie?

ERIK: Doc, quick question.

DR. LOVEJOY: Shoot.

ERIK: Who the hell is Fonzie?

DR. LOVEJOY: …I thought we'd try a little image therapy today.

ERIK: What's that?

DR. LOVEJOY: A relaxation technique. Now, I want you to close your eyes and imagine you're in a peaceful spot.

ERIK: Any place specific?

DR. LOVEJOY: Oh, let's say…a beach.

ERIK: Why a beach?

DR. LOVEJOY: Because it's the first thing that popped into my head. Picture it…a cool breeze blowing…the sound of the waves on the shore…the warm sun shining down—

ERIK: Yeah, sorry, doc. Sunlight's not my thing.

DR. LOVEJOY: Well then, fine, you're in the shade.

ERIK: Under a tree or an umbrella?

DR. LOVEJOY: It's up to you. Now, you're listening to the surf and the seagulls, and—

ERIK: Wait a second. Am I sitting, standing, or lying down?

DR. LOVEJOY: *grumbles* Does it matter?

ERIK: Well, it does to me.

DR. LOVEJOY: All right, which would you rather be doing?

ERIK: I don't feel like standing, and I'm already sitting, but I don't want to get sand all over me—

DR. LOVEJOY: Then you're on a blanket. Anyway, you're lying in the shade, and—

MOROCCO: *squawks* Where's Fonzie?

DR. LOVEJOY: Oh, son of a—Erik, can't you keep that bird quiet?

ERIK: Sorry, doc. No can do. You know, I'm not really a beach person. Can we imagine somewhere else?

DR. LOVEJOY: What do you _want_ to imagine?

ERIK: Anywhere is fine with me.

DR. LOVEJOY: Then you're in a forest clearing—

ERIK: Actually, when I think of forests, I'm reminded of all those Disney movies where some fairy tale princess is surrounded by all the little animals, and she's singing some cutesy song—

DR. LOVEJOY: _Fine,_ Erik, you're not in a forest. You're…paddling up a canal in Venice.

ERIK: Well, I'm never in Venice, but I row myself quite a bit, so—

DR. LOVEJOY: A skiing resort in Aspen, then!

ERIK: I've gotta say, I'm not really a fan of skiing.

DR. LOVEJOY: For God's sake, Erik! Where do you want to be?

ERIK: Shucks, doc, I'm up for anything.

DR. LOVEJOY: …

MOROCCO: *squawks* Where's Fonzie?

DR. LOVEJOY: *deep breath* Erik, when you think of a peaceful place, what comes to mind?

ERIK: Well, I'm happy anywhere so long as Christine is there.

DR. LOVEJOY: Okay, then, you're on a beach, lying on a blanket in the shade, and Christine is there—

ERIK: But I just said I'm not a beach person!

DR. LOVEJOY: *mutters and taps clipboard* Erik, _you_ imagine a peaceful place. Christine is there, you're in a good mood, and you're loving life. Now, in this utopia of your imagination, what are you feeling?

ERIK: That I shouldn't be paying this much an hour to be doing all the thinking around here myself.

DR. LOVEJOY: For the love of God, man! You're not _paying_ me anything! I'm only here because the judge ordered it! I'm doing this for _free!_ The least you could do is _work_ with me a little!

ERIK: Doc, calm down! Count to ten, imagine a peaceful place! Remember what the judge said!

DR. LOVEJOY: …

MOROCCO: *squawks* Where's Fonzie?

**Keep the suggestions coming, everyone! Tell me what you think!**


	10. Anger Management, Part Three

**I thought I might be able to wring a little more anger management out of some of these suggestions, and this chapter turned out to be a melting pot of them. I had it written within an hour this morning! **

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, I'm not entirely convinced that any of the methods we've tried so far have helped you cope with your anger.

ERIK: What are you talking about, doc? I've started counting to ten; I've talked about why I'm so angry all the time—

DR. LOVEJOY: Yes, but that hasn't helped you _release_ your anger. Counting is only another way to suppress it, but if you keep it up 24/7 you'll develop OCD, and talking about it doesn't really let it out either.

ERIK: Ah, I gotcha! Basically, what you're saying is that I need an alternate means of release other than dropping chandeliers.

DR. LOVEJOY: I thought that was an isolated incident.

ERIK: And denial is not just a river in Egypt.

DR. LOVEJOY: Bravo, Erik! You're making progress! Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery.

ERIK: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Let's get on with this. I want to wreck something.

DR. LOVEJOY: We'll get to that in a bit. First, I want you to tell me again why you hate everything.

ERIK: Does the phrase "social outcast" mean anything to you? I've told you before, doc, everyone hated me.

DR. LOVEJOY: You've told me plenty of times, Erik, but I need you to get good and pissed. Work with me here! Dig deep! Dredge up every bit of suppressed rage you've got!

ERIK: Well, my mother thought I was something between an abomination and the spawn of the Devil—

DR. LOVEJOY: And how do you feel about that?

ERIK: To be honest, doc, my blood pressure goes up just thinking about it.

DR. LOVEJOY: Good! Tell me more!

ERIK: I was put on display as a freak—

DR. LOVEJOY: That must get you fired up.

ERIK: It really does! I had to go into hiding just to escape from the world—

DR. LOVEJOY: I can't imagine how horrible that must have been.

ERIK: You really can't! And have you _tried_ moving a full-size organ into a cellar? It's a bitch!

DR. LOVEJOY: A full keyboard, and all those damn pipes—

ERIK: I almost killed myself trying to get those damn pipes into place! And all because everyone hated and humiliated me!

DR. LOVEJOY: I know! It bites!

ERIK: Bites what?

DR. LOVEJOY: Never mind, just keep talking.

ERIK: Okay…The stupid managers had to make things difficult, not paying me my salary and selling Box Five all the damn time—

DR. LOVEJOY: Shame on them!

ERIK: Doc, I know what you're trying to do, but it gets really annoying when you keep interrupting me.

DR. LOVEJOY: So you want me to stop?

ERIK: Brilliant observation, Holmes.

DR. LOVEJOY: Then by all means, continue.

ERIK: And when I actually started to care about someone, look where that got me! Christine ditched me for that little nancy boy! What the hell? I know I'm not the best looking thing in the world, I drink straight from the carton and I'm as crazy as the day is long, but he's got nothing on me!

DR. LOVEJOY: So you're furious? I mean _really_ furious?

ERIK: HELL YES I'M FURIOUS!

DR. LOVEJOY: Great! Now I want you to draw a picture.

ERIK: …What?

DR. LOVEJOY: Here's some paper and a pencil. I understand that you're sometimes portrayed as quite the artist—

ERIK: Well, I don't want to toot my own horn, but I'm pretty awesome.

DR. LOVEJOY: Good. Now, focus on all that rage, let it fester in you for a while, then draw a picture that expresses what you're feeling.

ERIK: Is this going to release my anger? I thought I was going to get to destroy something!

DR. LOVEJOY: We'll get to that later. Just draw.

ERIK: *sits thinking, then begins to scribble*

DR. LOVEJOY: Remember your mother—

ERIK: *draws faster*

DR. LOVEJOY: The managers—

ERIK: *draws even faster*

DR. LOVEJOY: Christine and Raoul—

ERIK: *pencil punches through paper*

DR. LOVEJOY: And every person who ever laughed at you!

ERIK: *rips paper in half, balls it up and throws it across the room*

DR. LOVEJOY: …So, how do you feel now?

ERIK: …Like I want to wreck something, dammit!

DR. LOVEJOY: Very good! Here's a pillow. Start punching it.

ERIK: Are you serious? You call this wrecking something? What good is this going to do me?

DR. LOVEJOY: Just give it a try.

ERIK: No, sorry doc, I got more of a release when I crashed the chandelier.

DR. LOVEJOY: Well then, what do you suggest?

ERIK: …Can I make a Raoul doll?

DR. LOVEJOY: …Erik, I hardly think that's appropriate…

ERIK: …Ew, God no! You won't let me torture the real thing, so the closest I can come to it is to torture him in effigy! I can target all of my rage onto something and let it out that way, there are no casualties, and no one has to hit up Home Depot for new lighting fixtures!

DR. LOVEJOY: …I suppose that might work…why not? Let's give it a shot!

ERIK: Yes! I finally get to Punjab that little twerp!

DR. LOVEJOY: But if I were you, Erik, I wouldn't mention this to the judge. He just might misconstrue it very badly.

ERIK: No worries, doc. No one ever found out about the Christine mannequin.

DR. LOVEJOY: Actually, Erik, everyone knows about it, and it really creeps them out. It's not exactly your best kept secret.

ERIK: …Doc, it's not what you think…

DR. LOVEJOY: …I sincerely hope so…

**If you had fun reading it, don't forget to honk! :)**


	11. On Eating Disorders

**I'm baa-ack! Again, so many good suggestions, but this one has been sitting around for a while, so... Here it is!**

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, the vicomte and Nadir are back here—

ERIK: Not more anger management, doc!

DR. LOVEJOY: Actually, no. But since you bring it up, how is the method we discussed coming along?

ERIK: It's going great! Here, let me show you! *reveals a life-size dummy of Raoul, missing various body parts, sporting several holes in the chest, and wearing a Punjab lasso around its neck* I feel better than ever, doc!

RAOUL: Did you_ shoot_ me?

ERIK: Yep. Quite a few times.

DR. LOVEJOY: That is rather disturbing, Erik.

ERIK: But at least I'm getting my rage out, eh? I actually think he looks better this way. Much more…interesting, not like a Boy Scout with a comb-over.

RAOUL: *grumbles* Look! Phangirls!

ERIK: *spazz attack* WHAT? WHERE?

RAOUL: *snickers*

ERIK: Why, I oughta—

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik! Torture the dummy!

ERIK: Gladly. Bucky, chew off his nose.

RAOUL: Again with the animals? Do we have to have the animals in here, doctor?

NADIR: I'm actually curious as to when he got the parrot.

DR. LOVEJOY: It's a long story. Bucky can stay, but the bird is another issue…

ERIK: What's wrong with Morocco? I've been training him!

DR. LOVEJOY: Does he stop talking now?

ERIK: Sadly, no, but I've been giving him some reeducation.

MOROCCO: *squawks* Where's the fop?

RAOUL: *sputters* Doctor! That's just—

DR. LOVEJOY: *snickers*

RAOUL: Why, I never! Nadir, what do you think of—

NADIR: *chuckles*

RAOUL: The _nerve! _*goes to storm out*

DR. LOVEJOY: Sit down, Nancy, I'm not finished with you.

RAOUL: Then can we at _least _keep the bird quiet?

ERIK AND DR. LOVEJOY: Sorry. No can do.

MOROCCO: *squawks* Where's the fop?

RAOUL: *sighs and drops back into chair*

DR. LOVEJOY: Now then, Erik, they are back here to help confront your eating disorder.

ERIK: What eating disorder?

DR. LOVEJOY: Well, it's hard to say exactly, but you've definitely got one. I mean, look at you! You make Jack Skellington look obese!

ERIK: Actually, doc, I'm not always skinny. Gerik is a muscle-bound _god._

DR. LOVEJOY: Well, yeah, but the rest of you could shelter from a rainstorm just by standing under a clothesline. So the question is, anorexia or bulimia? Nadir, what can you tell us about his eating habits?

NADIR: Well, his teeth look fine, and I've never actually _seen _him eat anything to puke it back up, so…

DR. LOVEJOY: Anorexia, it is, then. I think I know how to proceed now.

ERIK: Oh, you just _think_ you know? You're not _sure?_ That just puts it all into perspective, then, doesn't it?

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, just shut up and eat this bucket of chicken.

ERIK: I'm not hungry.

DR. LOVEJOY: I don't care.

ERIK: Don't you know you're not supposed to eat when you're not hungry? It's not at all healthy, doc.

NADIR: And what do you call not eating, period, Erik?

ERIK: I call that "not being hungry."

RAOUL: *eyeroll*

ERIK: What?

DR. LOVEJOY: Here's the deal, Erik. We are going to sit here, the four of us, and we aren't going to leave this room until you eat that chicken.

ERIK: Well, I hope you plan on being here for quite a while, doc.

RAOUL: Exactly how long is this going to take? Christine and I have reservations for dinner!

ERIK: Better cancel 'em, monsieur. You ain't gonna be there.

DR. LOVEJOY: Shut up, both of you. Erik, I mean it, we are not going anywhere until you eat something!

-one hour later-

DR. LOVEJOY: Come _on_, Erik, just eat something! One drumstick isn't going to kill you!

ERIK: How do you know I won't choke on it?

NADIR: I'm licensed in CPR, Erik, and any idiot can do the Heimlich maneuver.

ERIK: Webber version, Nadir!

NADIR: *sigh*

-two hours later-

RAOUL: Can we get on with this? _I'm _getting hungry!

ERIK, DR. LOVEJOY AND NADIR: Shut up.

-three hours later-

DR. LOVEJOY: How's this, Erik—you eat something, and I'll eat something. Is that fair?

ERIK: Is this original recipe?

DR. LOVEJOY: Yes.

ERIK: Sorry. I prefer spicy.

DR. LOVEJOY: Dammit, man! Just EAT!

ERIK: I'm allergic to chicken.

NADIR: Erik, it's not that hard, just _eat it._

ERIK: I'm a vegetarian.

RAOUL: Come on! We're not getting any younger, here!

ERIK: You can't make me.

DR. LOVEJOY: _Watch me._

ERIK: …Doc, are you all right? Your eyes are bulging, and there's a vein throbbing in your forehead…

DR. LOVEJOY: …

ERIK: All right, doc, now you're scaring me.

DR. LOVEJOY: …!

ERIK: *sigh* _Fine._ If it means that much to you…*picks up a piece of chicken, then reluctantly takes a bite*

RAOUL: _Finally!_ Can we get out of here now?

ERIK: …Dang. That's pretty tasty.

DR. LOVEJOY: Good. Are we going to have more problems like this in the future?

ERIK: *picks up another piece of chicken, and dives in*

DR. LOVEJOY: I guess not.

NADIR: Do you mind sharing, Erik?

ERIK: No way, man! Get your own!

NADIR: …

MOROCCO: *squawks* Where's the fop?

**You know the drill! Honk if you're happy with it! If you're not, then go ahead and flame me. I'm wearing my fire-proof suit. ;)**

**P.S. Guess who's a Beta now? *hint hint* Send me something if you want! Or don't! It's up to you!  
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	12. Field Trip to the Skating Rink

**Hey, folks! You can thank crazyone256 for this suggestion. There were so many possibilities it took forever to sort through all the material I came up with. Here it is, and I hope you like it!  
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DR. LOVEJOY: Have you ever been skating, Erik?

ERIK: Doc, do you _really_ need me to answer that question?

DR. LOVEJOY: So that's a 'negative.' I think you might enjoy it.

ERIK: Why?

DR. LOVEJOY: Well, it's quite fun, and there's usually great food and music at the skating rink—

ERIK: God, no! You're going to make me _socialize!_

DR. LOVEJOY: You've got to start getting used to being around other people, Erik.

ERIK: I'm still reeling from that dance club! Once someone blows chunks on you, it stays with you forever.

DR. LOVEJOY: Well, we can talk about that in our next session if you want, but now, we're going skating.

ERIK: Ice or roller?

DR. LOVEJOY: Roller. I think that would be wise, considering you're a beginner.

ERIK: Excuse me? I'll have you know, Lovejoy, that I'm a very fast learner, and when I put my mind to it, I—

DR. LOVEJOY: Yes, I know, you'll be skating circles around me while I watch in amazement, and all that anything-you-can-do-I-can-do-better crap.

ERIK: Hey, you said it, not me.

DR. LOVEJOY: Whatever. I called a cab, so let's get out of here.

-later-

ERIK: Right, doc. What first?

DR. LOVEJOY: We rent some skates. And I want you to handle it.

ERIK: See, I knew you would say that, so when you were waiting for the cab, I went and bought my own pair. I'm not sticking my toes in anything someone else has used to incubate their foot fungus.

DR. LOVEJOY: …That's a lovely picture you've given me, Erik. But you're still renting my skates for me.

ERIK: What do I look like, your valet? Rent your own!

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, the whole point of this trip is to get you to mix with people and deal with them.

ERIK: Sure, I'll deal with them, doc. I'll—

DR. LOVEJOY: If I even see the _shadow_ of a Punjab lasso, I'm informing the judge.

ERIK: Tattle-tale.

DR. LOVEJOY: Just get my skates already.

ERIK: *grumbles*

DR. LOVEJOY: You have to stand in line and _wait your turn, _Erik.

ERIK: But look at how long that line is! We'll be waiting forever!

DR. LOVEJOY: You have to start using your manners when you go out if you want to be a part of society.

ERIK: But I _don't _want to be a part of society!

DR. LOVEJOY: Just stop whining and wait in line!

-later-

DR. LOVEJOY: The secret to skating, Erik, is not to pick up your feet. What you want to do instead is slide each foot forward, one after the other. Lean forward slightly, bend your knees, and—

ERIK: See ya, doc! *skates off* Fast learner, remember?

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, watch out for—

*crash*

DR. LOVEJOY: *sigh* You're supposed to go into the rink, Erik. You don't just take off anywhere in the building.

ERIK: Right. Good to know.

DR. LOVEJOY: Ready to try again?

ERIK: Sure. Where's the rink? And what's a rink, exactly?

DR. LOVEJOY: You see that big, huge space over there with the paneled floor, and all the other people skating? That's what you're looking for.

ERIK: Got it. Catch you later.

DR. LOVEJOY: Be nice! Use your manners! Try to make some friends!

ERIK: Yes, Mother. *skates off*

-later-

ERIK: Doc, there's a weird feeling in my stomach. It's like there's some sort of wild animal gnawing at my insides.

DR. LOVEJOY: That would be hunger, Erik.

ERIK: Ah, yes. That makes sense. So where do we find food around here?

DR. LOVEJOY: At that counter over there. Go get us something to eat. I'll take a corn dog, an order of nachos, and a jumbo Coke.

ERIK: What's Coke?

DR. LOVEJOY: Get one for yourself, and try it out.

ERIK: *leaves, then returns fifteen minutes later*

DR. LOVEJOY: What took so long?

ERIK: The line was moving slow, I didn't recognize anything on the menu and couldn't decide what to order, and when I asked the idiot behind the counter if he served Tokay, he looked at me like I was crazy. But I started talking to this young lady ahead of me in line, and she was very charming. Her name was Gemma, she complimented me on my cape, and she bought me a slice of pizza. It was pretty awesome.

DR. LOVEJOY: Good for you, Erik! Are you going to meet her later?

ERIK: Yes. She wants me to join her for the speed skate, whatever that is.

DR. LOVEJOY: Wait a minute, the speed skate? That's when everyone goes around the rink as fast as they possibly can.

ERIK: Sounds like fun.

DR. LOVEJOY: Are you ready for that?

ERIK: Come on, doc, I'm the Phantom. I'm ready for everything.

-later-

ERIK: Doc, don't _ever _let me do anything like that again! If I had a nose, I would have broken it!

DR. LOVEJOY: You have to _turn _with the rink, Erik. When you see a wall coming at you, you're supposed to have enough sense to _turn_.

ERIK: I couldn't! I was going too damn fast!

DR. LOVEJOY: Well, you can't say I didn't warn you. Do you need a new ice pack?

ERIK: Yes please.

DR. LOVEJOY: So, how did things go with that young lady?

ERIK: Not bad, considering. We're going for coffee sometime.

DR. LOVEJOY: That's great! I'm really proud of you, Erik. You're really making—

*shrill chorus of "squeee!"*

ERIK: Uh-oh. We gotta get out of here.

DR. LOVEJOY: Why?

ERIK: I'd know that sound anywhere.

DR. LOVEJOY: What sound?

*SQUEEEEEE!*

ERIK: Run for it, doc! It's the phangirls!

*Erik and Lovejoy run for an exit, followed closely by a stampede of giddy, hormonal, young women skating faster than the speed of sound*

PHANGIRLS: WE LOVE YOU, ERIK!

**That image of Erik, the original caped crusader, cruising around on roller skates is going to stay with me for a very long time. ;)**

**Tell me what you think! Don't forget to honk!**


	13. On Dating

**Sorry this took so long! I have an announcement to make: After several people commented that they'd like to see Christine make an appearance, I started brainstorming how to work her in somehow, and I've got it figured out now! You should see her in the next few chapters!**

**Enjoy!**

DR. LOVEJOY: Well, Erik, how did your date go?

ERIK: You mean coffee with that young lady from the skating rink? It went rather well, I think. We talked a bit, and she was very charming indeed. She feels quite the same way I do about music, she's very well-read, she has a brilliant sense of humor, and she writes the most enchanting poetry.

DR. LOVEJOY: Are you going to meet her again?

ERIK: Not for coffee. She had one too many espressos and started behaving very strangely. She said it happens all the time.

DR. LOVEJOY: Mm-hm. Well, I think we can make use of our time today by discussing some things to keep in mind while on the dating scene. Dating tactics, if you will.

ERIK: Great. Let's hear it.

DR. LOVEJOY: You seem to have problems properly expressing your emotions. I'm not talking about your anger, here, understand that. But…when you notice you have fond feelings for someone, there's a very, _very _fine line between telling her how you feel and, let's say, wreaking havoc until all hell breaks loose.

ERIK: Is this about the chandelier?

DR. LOVEJOY: Not this time, no.

ERIK: Ah. Then by all means, proceed.

DR. LOVEJOY: Most women will be a little put off if you come on too strong, so remember to take things slow. It's going to seem odd if you take a girl out once or twice, then put a mannequin that looks like her in a wedding gown.

ERIK: No one's ever going to let me live that down, are they?

DR. LOVEJOY: It's not likely. Things have changed since all that went down at the Opera House, and there are not such strict limits on dating, so if you happen to meet someone who's dating someone other than you at the same time, you can't just fly into a jealous rage. Are we clear on that?

ERIK: More than one man at once? What the heck? Do many women do that?

DR. LOVEJOY: Not all of them, but some do. They call it keeping their options open.

ERIK: Well, that's a crock.

DR. LOVEJOY: It's the modern age, dude.

ERIK: I don't have to learn how to talk like that, do I? All that ridiculous vernacular and words like "dude" and "chick" and "badonkadonk?"

DR. LOVEJOY: Where in the hell did you learn _that _word?

ERIK: I was channel surfing and came across this music station…it's a long story.

DR. LOVEJOY: Okay…You don't have to learn that kind of language, since people are impressed with your smarts anyhow. Just be yourself, only tone down the crazy.

ERIK: Do you think they'll be impressed with my Harley?

DR. LOVEJOY: What Harley?

ERIK: I bought a 2012 Harley-Davidson FLD Dyna Switchback. Doc, this thing is effing _awesome! _It's black, it's got a 62-inch wheel base, it gets forty-two miles to the gallon—

DR. LOVEJOY: When did you buy a Harley?

ERIK: A few days ago. I thought about taking a road trip for a few weeks. It's parked outside; do you want to see it?

DR. LOVEJOY: Uh, maybe later. What inspired you to buy it in the first place?

ERIK: Well, I figured I needed to give myself a new image if I'm going to start dating. There are only so many places you can go in a gondola.

DR. LOVEJOY: Right. And there's a slight concern about that lasso of yours. It's great to think about personal protection devices and girls will like that you're taking self-defense into consideration, but the lasso is just a little…extreme.

ERIK: So should I get a new weapon?

DR. LOVEJOY: Well, not a weapon, exactly—

ERIK: Will a garrote work? Those things are vicious, doc!

DR. LOVEJOY: That's not quite what I had in mind—

ERIK: I've noticed people carrying jackknives a lot, how's that?

DR. LOVEJOY: No, I was thinking—

ERIK: Or should I just start carrying my staff? It shoots fireballs!

DR. LOVEJOY: Actually, Erik, I wasn't thinking about weapons at all. You've already got some mean, stealthy, ninja-warrior skills, so I thought you'd do great learning some martial arts. And it'll really impress the ladies.

ERIK: Do you think it'll impress them if I learn how to actually rip a guy's throat out? I've seen that done in movies, and it seems like a totally bad ass move.

DR. LOVEJOY: …

ERIK: No?

DR. LOVEJOY: …

ERIK: *facepalm*

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, that's the kind of behavior that landed you in therapy in the first place.

ERIK: Buzzkill. So, I can't have a lasso, a garrote, a knife, or a staff, and I can't rip anyone's throat out…Damn, doc! You're taking all the fun out of this! What am I supposed to do now?

DR. LOVEJOY: Well, if you're so concerned about self-defense, people do keep guard dogs—

ERIK: Bucky!

DR. LOVEJOY: What about him?

ERIK: It's all about the element of surprise! No one in their right mind expects an attack ferret!

DR. LOVEJOY: …

ERIK: The keywords here being "right mind?"

DR. LOVEJOY: Yeah. So, back to dating. There are some rules that have changed. Some women like it when you hold the door open for them or pull out their chairs for them, and some will scratch your eyes out if you try it.

ERIK: Why? It's polite.

DR. LOVEJOY: Some people think it's sexist. You'll never know until you actually try it.

ERIK: So I'm just supposed to take my chances? I'd quite like my eyes to stay inside my head, thank you very much!

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, dating is all about taking chances, getting to know people—

ERIK: Sure, but I don't see how risking life and limb for a social life is worth it!

DR. LOVEJOY: *sigh* Erik, this is all about getting rid of the phangirls and getting over Christine, remember? Do I need to remind you of the skating rink?

ERIK: No, but…All this is scaring the hell out of me, doc! I don't do so well with people!

DR. LOVEJOY: You did well with that girl at the skating rink.

ERIK: Well, that is true…And she _did _seem to like me…

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, I know you're prone to obsessions, but please don't go abducting this girl. I saved your ass after _Don Juan Triumphant, _but if you do something stupid, the judge would have you in a straightjacket faster than you can say "holy Punjab lassos."

ERIK: Now, _why _does everyone assume that I habitually develop fixations on young women, kidnap them, and build shrines to them in my lair?

DR. LOVEJOY: …Let's just say better safe than sorry.

**You know the drill...honk if you liked it!**


	14. Ferret Legging

**I have to thank a moderator of a certain phan site for the inspiration here. This was without a doubt the most fun I've ever had writing, period. For more info on ferret legging, I'd recommend Wikipedia!**

**Savor the insanity! (If you want, that is...)**

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, today I thought we'd—wait a minute. What's going on here?

ERIK: Just a little contest between old friends. By the way, vicomte, you're going down.

RAOUL: You're sure about that, Monsieur le Fantôme?

ERIK: Dead sure, little man.

DR. LOVEJOY: Would someone like to tell me what the hell—

ERIK: Ferret legging, doc. After that fluke of a swordfight in the '04 movie, I wanted a rematch. I mean, in what universe could Pretty-boy de Chagny _legitimately _beat me?

RAOUL: Come on, man, I totally kicked your ass. No, strike that, _I _kicked your _double's _ass, 'cause Pretty-boy de Chagny does his own damn stunts.

DR. LOVEJOY: Time out, fellas. What exactly is ferret legging?

ERIK: Possibly the strangest sport I've ever heard of, to be honest. You see, it's guys only, and the contestants have to stand with one or more ferrets running loose in their—

DR. LOVEJOY: Hold it. This sounds like a bad idea.

RAOUL: You know, doctor, I said the same thing.

ERIK: What? Are you chickening out?

RAOUL: _Hell _no! Bring it, Casper!

ERIK: Right, tie your pant legs around your ankles so the ferret can't get out. You take Bucky, and I'll take—

DR. LOVEJOY: Where did that other ferret come from?

ERIK: Pet store, doc, where else? This is Ricky. I'll introduce you later, but we've got business to attend to first.

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, this is _really _creeping me out, I gotta say…

ERIK: Well, it was either this or wicker mitts filled with fire ants, so…

RAOUL: And there's just no freaking way I'm doing anything with fire ants.

ERIK: For once, fop, I agree with you. On the count of three, turn your ferret loose and tighten your belt. The first one to punk out is a weasel-bitten SOB. Quite literally, as it turns out.

DR. LOVEJOY: I'm not at all sure about this!

ERIK: Come on, doc, lighten up. There's no way I'm losing here!

DR. LOVEJOY: How's that?

ERIK: Sssh…I've been training Bucky…

DR. LOVEJOY: To do what, exactly?

ERIK: On the count of three, then. One…two…three!

*ferrets are turned loose*

RAOUL: Ouch! Wait a—ow! Dammit! What the—OUCH!

DR. LOVEJOY: *mutters* Erik, what did you train Bucky to do?

RAOUL: Son of a—OW!

ERIK: *whispers* It's a given the ferrets are going to bite, doc—ow—but I just taught Bucky to—ouch—bite a little more than usual.

DR. LOVEJOY: *in undertone* Erik! That's cheating!

ERIK: Shut up, doc! I'm not losing to this wuss!

RAOUL: HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!

MOROCCO: *squawks* Where's the fop?

RAOUL: GAAAAAH!

DR. LOVEJOY: *sigh*

-one hour later-

ERIK: Do you—ouch!—do you give yet?

RAOUL: I—OW! No, I—OW! DAMMIT!

ERIK: Is that—ow, shit—a yes, or a no?

RAOUL: IT'S A NO!

DR. LOVEJOY: Can we just call it a draw?

ERIK AND RAOUL: NO!

DR. LOVEJOY: *sigh*

MOROCCO: *squawks* Where's the fop?

RAOUL: I'LL KILL THAT GEE-DEE BIRD!

ERIK: Touch the bird and—ouch! You little son of a—

DR. LOVEJOY: I don't see the point of this.

ERIK: Bragging rights, doc! Ouch!

DR. LOVEJOY: *eyeroll*

-two hours later-

RAOUL: $%#&*?#%$!

ERIK: That bad, huh? Ow! I'm doing great, I could—ouch!—go for two more hours!

RAOUL: F%#$ THIS S&#! I GIVE! I GIVE!

DR. LOVEJOY: _Finally! _

ERIK: HELL yes! I win!

*ferrets are recaptured*

ERIK: How's it going, kid?

RAOUL: …

ERIK: Aw, come on, it can't have been that bad! Bucky's a sweetheart!

RAOUL: Burn in hell, O.G.!

ERIK: That's _Mr. _O.G., thank you. Bye-bye! Off you get!

RAOUL: *sulking and wincing* Shut up. *leaves*

DR. LOVEJOY: …

ERIK: …

DR. LOVEJOY: So, Erik, how are we feeling? And be honest!

ERIK: HOLY %#*^&#%$^ SON OF A $##^#!#?*%^ MOTHER #$%#&%#$#^!

DR. LOVEJOY: Well, I hate to say "I told you so," but—

ERIK: Go $%# yourself, doc.

MOROCCO: *squawks* Where's the fop?

ERIK: Dammit! Shut UP, already!

MOROCCO: *squawks* Where's the fop?

ERIK: GAAAH!

**If you enjoyed the insanity, you know what to do!**

**Quick preview: Gemma, the girl at the skating rink, _will_ be popping in again, and we should be hearing from Christine very soon! :)**


	15. On Stalkers

**It's official: This is _way _too much fun. For those of you who wanted to see more of Gemma, also known as the girl from the skating rink, wish granted! Have fun!**

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, since you're dating now, and given your romantic history, I thought we should take an opportunity to talk about stalking.

ERIK: Oh, thank God!

DR. LOVEJOY: …What?

ERIK: You know Gemma, that girl from the skating rink?

DR. LOVEJOY: …Yes…

ERIK: I don't think it's going to work out.

DR. LOVEJOY: Why not?

ERIK: She's a phangirl.

DR. LOVEJOY: …Oh. Well, that sucks.

ERIK: That doesn't cover it! She seemed so cool, and _normal_, and she's a batshit crazy phangirl! And so _cunning!_ She acted perfectly sane at first to get into my good books, but after we started going out more often she turned psycho on me!

DR. LOVEJOY: I'm sorry to hear that, Erik.

ERIK: I probably should have known something was up when she wanted to take that picture of me in the Red Death costume on my Harley. [1]

DR. LOVEJOY: Yeah, that might give it away.

ERIK: And you know how you told me not to mess with mannequins and wedding dresses anymore? Well, she actually _bought _the dress to put on a _new_ mannequin! I thought I was going to drop dead of a heart attack then and there!

DR. LOVEJOY: That's unfortunate, Erik. We'll just have to press on and—

*knock knock*

ERIK: Oh God, that's her! Doc, I'm not here!

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, I really don't think—

ERIK: _I'm not here! _*hides under couch*

*knock knock*

DR. LOVEJOY: Uh, come in!

*door opens*

GEMMA: Hello, Dr. Lovejoy. You probably don't know me, but I'm—

DR. LOVEJOY: Gemma. I've heard quite a bit about you.

GEMMA: From Erik, you mean? *phangirl squee* What's he said about me? Do you think he's into me?

DR. LOVEJOY: I think that's something you might want to hear from him personally, don't you?

GEMMA: Well, I tried to ask him about it, but he got really nervous when I started talking about where we should go for our honeymoon…

DR. LOVEJOY: I'm sorry to hear that. But you know, I'm sure he _does _like you, or why else would he hang around you, right?

GEMMA: You're right, doc! Have you seen him? I need to talk to him, but I can't find him! I've searched Box Five, Christine's dressing room, the lair, the catwalks backstage—

DR. LOVEJOY: How did you find my office in the first place, by any chance?

GEMMA: I found the address in his Rolodex.

DR. LOVEJOY: …Well, I don't know where he is, but…have you tried looking in the managers' office? As I recall, it's about time for them to pay up his salary, so he might be in there stealing it right this minute.

GEMMA: Ohmigosh, I completely forgot! Thanks, doctor! *leaves*

DR. LOVEJOY: All right, Erik, you can come out now.

ERIK: Is she gone?

DR. LOVEJOY: Yes, she's gone.

ERIK: Are you _absolutely sure _she's gone? I wouldn't put it past her to be listening outside the door.

DR. LOVEJOY: It's perfectly safe, Erik. I saw someone on a red scooter pull out of the parking lot in a great hurry ten seconds ago—

ERIK: Yep, that's her. *crawls out from under couch* Do you see what I'm talking about now? She's nuts! How do I get rid of her?

DR. LOVEJOY: Have you tried breaking up with her?

ERIK: What's that?

DR. LOVEJOY: That's where you tell her that you're not interested in having a relationship with her and agree to call it off on good terms.

ERIK: Doc, I don't think that's going to work. When she said she asked where we were going on our honeymoon, she wasn't kidding. I know you said I can't do that anymore…but I think the only solution is to—

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, you're not dropping a chandelier on her, no matter how nuts she is.

ERIK: Dammit! What _else _am I supposed to do? I haven't tangoed with a lunatic before! I've always been pretty crazy, but she makes _me_ look perfectly rational, for crying out loud!

DR. LOVEJOY: And do you honestly think dropping yet another chandelier is in any way rational?

ERIK: Hey, didn't I just say I was crazy?

DR. LOVEJOY: There's another way out of this, Erik. Just sit down and talk to her like a reasonable, mature adult, and tell her that you're just not ready for a relationship. Tell her it's too soon after Christine, if you like, but the important thing is to tell her face to face, and be kind about it. You of all people know how hard it is to take rejection.

ERIK: That's what worries me, doc. If all hell broke loose when _I _got rejected, I think _she_ just might bring on the apocalypse.

DR. LOVEJOY: She's that obsessed?

ERIK: Oh yeah. Actually, it's kind of flattering…do I really inspire such rabid and, frankly, terrifying, fascination in people?

DR. LOVEJOY: Yes, you do, particularly among females. The guys want to _be _you, but the girls just want you.

ERIK: I'd noticed, and that's the problem here. Thanks for reminding me.

DR. LOVEJOY: I'm not here to lie to you, Erik. In the meantime, I'd vary your routine—a lot. Don't haunt your usual places so much, change your locks, and for Pete's sake, don't leave my address lying around. I don't need any phangirls breaking down my door looking for you; I have patients to attend to!

ERIK: Really?

DR. LOVEJOY: Of course. As a matter of fact, we need to wrap this up in the next few minutes. The Count has an appointment at three o' clock on the nose.

ERIK: The Count? You mean Dracula?

DR. LOVEJOY: Yep. We're trying to beat his plasma addiction.

ERIK: Awesome! I always wanted to meet Dracula! Could you introduce me sometime?

DR. LOVEJOY: Now, Erik, would you like it if I brought in your phangirls and introduced them to _you _in the middle of _your _therapy time?

ERIK: *sigh* No…

DR. LOVEJOY: Exactly. Besides, doctor-patient confidentiality says I can't do that in the first place. If I got caught, I'd lose my license.

ERIK: How can you lose your license? How do you even get a license in the first place? You're a fictional character!

DR. LOVEJOY: And so are you, and so is the Count. In that light, I'd never be able to introduce you to each other to start with, since neither of you exist.

ERIK: You really _are _a buzzkill!

DR. LOVEJOY: Start paying me, and I'll be all the Good-time Charlie you want me to be.

ERIK: Huh?

DR. LOVEJOY: …Never mind

[1]: Again, thanks to that certain moderator for the inspiration, and the great image! (A/N)

**Christine will be making her appearance in the next chapter, and I'll cover driving lessons soon after that! ;)**

**Don't forget to honk!**


	16. Moving Out

**Hey, guys! Guess who finally decided to grace us with her presence?**

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, the judge thinks it would be good for you to have a change of scenery.

ERIK: Awesome. Is he sending me on vacation?

DR. LOVEJOY: Not exactly. He actually thinks you should find new living quarters.

ERIK: Well, that's great he's so concerned, but I'm perfectly happy in the cellars, thank you very much.

DR. LOVEJOY: It's not that simple, Erik.

ERIK: Why not? Look, tell him I appreciate the suggestion but that I'm not going anywhere.

DR. LOVEJOY: Actually, Erik, you are. The judge has ordered you to move out of the cellars immediately or risk criminal trespassing charges.

ERIK: What? He can't do that! It's _my _opera house!

DR. LOVEJOY: First of all, Erik, he _can _do that, and second of all, just because you consider something as yours, doesn't mean it is in fact, yours. That was the whole problem with Christine, remember?

CHRISTINE: Did someone mention me?

ERIK: *jaw drops* _Christine? _What in the name of Gaston Leroux are _you _doing here?

DR. LOVEJOY: She's here to help move you out of here, Erik, along with—

RAOUL: Hello, doctor! Good to see you again!

ERIK: DAMMIT!

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, I'd really appreciate it if you wouldn't swear so much.

ERIK: Well, doc, you can take your appreciation and shove it up your—

NADIR: Have you broken the news to him yet, doctor?

ERIK: Oh, you mean the news that I'm getting tossed out on my ear?

NADIR: I guess that answers that.

ERIK: And I'm telling you now, if anyone thinks they're giving me the boot after I've lived down here all these years and minded my own business—

DR. LOVEJOY: You _haven't _minded your own business, Erik, and that's why the judge wants you out of here.

ERIK: Well, the judge can want in one hand and—

CHRISTINE: Erik, I heard you bought a Harley.

ERIK: *preens* Why, yes, I did, as a matter of fact. It's parked outside; do you want to see it?

DR. LOVEJOY: Now is not the time for your showboating, Erik. We need to start packing your things and getting them out of here.

ERIK: Well, if you're dead set on this, doc, I hope you rented a U-Haul, 'cause I don't think the organ will fit on the Switchback.

DR. LOVEJOY: …

CHRISTINE: So, where do we start?

ERIK: We don't "start" anywhere, because I'm not leaving.

DR. LOVEJOY: I just told you, Erik, the judge says you either leave quietly or you leave in handcuffs.

ERIK: Pssht, I can slip those easily!

NADIR: Maybe so, Erik, in which case they'll put a straightjacket on you, and you've never escaped from one of those before.

ERIK: No, I've never had the _chance _to escape from one of those. I'm sure I could figure it out.

RAOUL: *eyeroll*

ERIK: Greetings, fop. Bucky says hello.

RAOUL: Bite me.

ERIK: I would, but Bucky beat me to it. What are _you _doing here, anyway?

DR. LOVEJOY: We're pressed for time here. The judge wants you out in forty-eight hours, so we need all hands on deck.

ERIK: Forty-eight hours! What kind of deadline is that? That's a bunch of—

RAOUL: And I'm also here to supervise.

ERIK: Supervise _what, _little man? If you think we're going to do all the work while you sit on your—

NADIR: He's here because of Christine, Erik. I thought that much was obvious.

ERIK: What? Does he think I'm going to throw her over my shoulder and haul her off to Norway?

CHRISTINE: I'm Swedish, actually, but people get those mixed up all the time.

NADIR: It's…not actually about you, Erik…

ERIK: Then what _is _it about?

CHRISTINE: *smiles and waves coquettishly*

ERIK: …Oh. That _is _interesting…

RAOUL: Christine! What do you think you're doing?

ERIK: Well, fop, she appears to be flirting with me.

RAOUL: Oh my _God!_

DR. LOVEJOY: People, let's get with the program here! Erik, you start packing anything you don't want anyone else packing—

ERIK: Well, that effectually eliminates everything in the lair, doc. You see, I don't usually allow someone else's paws on my stuff.

DR. LOVEJOY: You're just going to have to get over that, aren't you? Right, so, Nadir, box up all the books and sheet music. Vicomte, start getting the furniture to the door for the movers. Erik, I suggest you pack up whatever you don't want other people to lay eyes on. Christine—

CHRISTINE: I'll help Erik.

RAOUL: No, you'll help _me_ with the furniture.

ERIK: Where are your manners, vicomte? You can't ask a lady to do all that heavy lifting!

RAOUL: Well, do _you _want to help me?

ERIK: …

DR. LOVEJOY: Come on, everyone, let's just _try _to work together, please? We've got an organ to get out of here and everything!

*knock knock*

DR. LOVEJOY: Oh good, that'll be the movers I hired.

ERIK: I'm telling you, doc, I'm not moving anywhere!

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, we don't have time to discuss it right now. *opens door* Come i—

GEMMA: Erik! I've been looking everywhere for you!

ERIK: Strike that, doc, get me out of here as fast as you can!

GEMMA: Wait a minute, is that Christine? What is _she _doing here, Erik?

CHRISTINE: Who are _you? _

GEMMA: _I'm _his girlfriend!

NADIR: Really? I didn't know you were seeing anyone, Erik.

CHRISTINE: Neither did I!

ERIK: Well, it's kind of a funny story—

DR. LOVEJOY: *whispers* Didn't you break up with her like I suggested?

ERIK: *murmurs* Well, I wrote her a note—

DR. LOVEJOY: *facepalm* Erik, that was too personal! She'll see it as a "token of your affection," for crying out loud!

ERIK: Well, you just said do it, you didn't say how!

GEMMA: I got your note, Erik, and I came straight over to talk to you!

ERIK: Did you happen to _read _the note, by any chance?

NADIR: What note?

DR. LOVEJOY: _The _note.

NADIR: Oh. This could get ugly.

GEMMA: I read it, and it's so obvious what it means! You're madly in love with me, but no one else approves of our relationship! They're jealous of our passion for each other! *shoots daggers at Christine*

RAOUL: So, finally, he met someone who's as much of a psycho as he is! Congratulations!

ERIK: Shut up, pretty boy! Look, Gemma, you're a nice girl, and you're fun and all, but this isn't going to work, I just need some—

DR. LOVEJOY: Don't say "space," Erik, don't say "space!"

ERIK: Well, what am I supposed to say?

GEMMA: I understand, Erik. You're only saying these things because they don't want us to be together—

CHRISTINE: Wow, you _are _crazy!

GEMMA: Says the tramp who ran off with the Missing Hanson Brother [1] and left poor Erik alone and heartbroken—

CHRISTINE: Who are you calling a tramp, Little Miss Looney Tunes?

DR. LOVEJOY: Ladies, please, let's just calm—

GEMMA: *slap*

CHRISTINE: *punch*

ERIK: Oh Lord.

GEMMA AND CHRISTINE: *catfight*

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, help me separate them!

GEMMA: *right hook*

CHRISTINE: *hair pull*

ERIK: Actually, doc, I want to see where this is going…

DR. LOVEJOY: Oh, for the love of…Vicomte! We need to break them up!

GEMMA: *shin kick*

CHRISTINE: *around-the-house*

GEMMA: *flat on the floor*

RAOUL: Hold on, doctor, this is getting good!

DR. LOVEJOY: What is _wrong _with you people? Nadir, please!

NADIR: Of course, Dr. Lovejoy.

*Lovejoy and Nadir break up the fight. Christine has a swollen lip; Gemma has a black eye and a broken and bloody nose*

GEMMA: Dis isn'd over! I'b nod giving up on us, Erik!

ERIK: Sure thing. I'll be getting a restraining order next week.

GEMMA: *leaves in a huff*

DR. LOVEJOY: Now, can we _please _get back to business?

RAOUL: Nice one, Christine! You really decked her!

CHRISTINE: Really?

ERIK: I'd say you knocked her on her badonkadonk.

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, if I hear you say that word again, I'm putting you on meds. Now, we really need to get back to work here! Nadir, books! Raoul, furniture! Erik, stuff you want to keep hidden! Christine, get some ice on your lip!

-later-

DR. LOVEJOY: Is that everything, Erik?

ERIK: For the last time, doc, _yes._

DR. LOVEJOY: Where are Bucky and Ricky?

ERIK: They're already in their cages.

DR. LOVEJOY: And Morocco?

MOROCCO: *squawks* Where's the fop?

RAOUL: Can't we just leave him?

ERIK: And how about I geld your sorry—

NADIR: Did we get all the pipes to the organ?

ERIK: I'm pretty sure, though I wouldn't have to think about it if _someone_ hadn't decided to _drop_ them and let half of them roll away.

RAOUL: Well, they were heavy!

ERIK: Whatever, nancy boy. So, who's driving the U-Haul?

CHRISTINE: Raoul and I brought it over—

NADIR: So you're driving?

RAOUL: I guess so.

ERIK: Hold it, wait a sec. We can't leave my bike.

RAOUL: Well, then just _drive_ it.

ERIK: I can't, I don't have a license. So I suppose you'll have to take the Harley, fop, and I'll go in the truck with Christine—

RAOUL: You can't take the truck if you can't drive!

CHRISTINE: It's okay, I can drive it. *winks at Erik*

RAOUL: Oh my _God!_

DR. LOVEJOY: All right then, you two take the truck; vicomte, you take the Harley, and Nadir will come with me in my car. I'll lead the way.

RAOUL: Hold on, doctor, I'm against this arrangement—

ERIK: Relax, fop, you get to be the first one to drive the Switchback!

RAOUL: …I'm still against it! Nadir, go with them!

NADIR: I can't. That truck is a two-seater.

RAOUL: *sigh*

[1] This isn't mine, I borrowed it from "Phantom of the Opera in Fifteen Minutes." (A/N)

**Moving in is next on the schedule, and after that...we'll just see what happens. ;)**

**Honk if you liked it!**


	17. Moving In

**Shoot, guys, sorry this took so long. It turned out to be a little crazier than I anticipated, to move Erik into a new apartment! Here it is at last, more insanity!**

DR. LOVEJOY: So, Erik, this is your new building.

ERIK: You mean I own it?

DR. LOVEJOY: No, I mean this is where you'll be living from now on.

ERIK: Oh. Is it waterfront?

DR. LOVEJOY: Do you _see _any water around here?

ERIK: I guess not. Nadir, what do you think of this place?

NADIR: It's a very high-end apartment building, Erik. It stinks of pretention and snobbery to me.

ERIK: That's just because you're still in your little place next to those gardens. Christine, what do you think?

CHRISTINE: It's pretty classy, and it's only two blocks away from our place!

RAOUL: Christine, dear, did I mention we're moving to Alaska?

ERIK: So doc, give me the keys and I'll take a look around my new bachelor pad.

DR. LOVEJOY: First, Erik, we have to talk to the landlord. I didn't really have a lot of time to pick out a specific apartment, since the judge wanted you out of the cellars so fast, so you don't technically live here yet.

ERIK: You mean you were in such a hurry to shimmy me out of the lair you didn't even make sure I had another one lined up? I'm just homeless right now?

DR. LOVEJOY: …Pretty much. But we have an appointment with the landlord, so we have to dash. *to other three* Could you excuse us for a moment?

NADIR: Of course, doctor.

CHRISTINE: Sure thing.

RAOUL: We'll be in Tahiti when you get back.

ERIK: And keep an eye on the animals!

MOROCCO: *squawks* Where's the fop?

RAOUL: *sigh*

-later-

DR. LOVEJOY: Thank you for meeting us on such short notice, Mr. Tidwell.

ERIK: Tidwell?

DR. LOVEJOY: Your potential landlord.

ERIK: I gotta say, doc, I'm not too crazy about the idea of a landlord.

DR. LOVEJOY: Well, what are you going to do, buy the building?

ERIK: Why? Is it on the market?

MR. TIDWELL: No, sir, it isn't. What can I do for you?

DR. LOVEJOY: My colleague here needed a new apartment yesterday. Are there any places open here?

MR. TIDWELL: Well, we have some two bed one baths, and some studios, and—

ERIK: What have you got in the basement?

MR. TIDWELL: The basement?

ERIK: That's what I said, yes.

MR. TIDWELL: We have storage facilities and a laundry room—

ERIK: No, I mean do you have any rooms in the basement?

MR. TIDWELL: …I don't believe so…

ERIK: In that case, I'll take the biggest place you've got.

MR. TIDWELL: There's a penthouse on the top floor.

ERIK: What's that?

DR. LOVEJOY: It's overkill, Erik. You don't need a penthouse.

ERIK: Bug off, doc, overkill is what I _do. _Tidwell, show me to this penthouse of yours.

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, how in the hell are you going to get the organ to the top floor of a twenty story building?

MR. TIDWELL: Actually, it's twenty-three stories.

DR. LOVEJOY: Twenty-three stories! Do you expect to carry it up the stairs?

ERIK: …

DR. LOVEJOY: That's what I thought! If you think I'm going to help you haul that piece of—

ERIK: Doc, shut your gob, I'm trying to think! This building is twenty-three stories, I'm sure it has elevators…

MR. TIDWELL: We have several, sir.

ERIK: Is there a service elevator?

MR. TIDWELL: Of course!

ERIK: Well then, that's perfect! We'll just get the organ in there and take it up—

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, have you seen the size of your organ?

ERIK: I consider that a personal question, doc.

DR. LOVEJOY: Oh, shut up, you know what I meant! It's not going to fit in the service elevator! Sure, you might be able to get it inside, but there won't be any room to maneuver around it to get it back out!

ERIK: …Then we'll just…take the car out, get a block and tackle, strap the organ in, and heave it to the top floor!

DR. LOVEJOY: I don't think so.

ERIK: Why not?

DR. LOVEJOY: You can't just decide to rip a car out of an elevator shaft for one thing!

ERIK: Says who?

MR. TIDWELL: Says me! And any more talk like that, and you might as well find yourself a new building!

ERIK: Oh, come on, any idiot could pull this off! I'm sure even you could manage it, Tidwell!

MR. TIDWELL: Excuse me?

ERIK: Tell you what. I will personally get the car out, and if I don't get it back in working order—no, better than it was to start with!—I will buy the building from you for…double what it's worth.

MR. TIDWELL: Are you serious?

DR. LOVEJOY: I'm afraid he's lost his mind. Erik, you don't have the money to cover something like that—

MR. TIDWELL: Done!

ERIK: Awesome.

MR. TIDWELL: Who are you, anyway?

ERIK: They call me "Monsieur le Fantōme," my good man, but "O.G." will do.

MR. TIDWELL: Wait a sec…aren't you that phantom guy?

ERIK: …Well, yeah, if you want to put it that way.

MR. TIDWELL: Didn't you crash that chandelier in a crowded theater?

ERIK: You people just won't let that go, will you?

MR. TIDWELL: And now you want to use a block and tackle to get an organ up the elevator shaft to the twenty-third floor?

ERIK: Yeah. And?

MR. TIDWELL: …I gotta see this!

DR. LOVEJOY: *eyeroll*

-later-

ERIK: So, that's the last of the pipes I just took up to the penthouse, and now all we have to worry about is the organ.

RAOUL: Oh, and that's _all _we have to worry about, is it?

ERIK: Shove it, fop. How do we get the elevator car out of the shaft?

NADIR: I believe we have to take it apart entirely.

ERIK: …You're serious?

NADIR: 'Fraid so.

ERIK: Well, that's a problem.

RAOUL: You mean the great almighty Phantom can't figure out how to dismantle an elevator car?

CHRISTINE: Erik, I'm sure you can figure it out.

RAOUL: Whose side are you on, anyway?

DR. LOVEJOY: Can we just get on with this? Where do we start?

ERIK: That's a damn good question, doc. I have no idea how to go about this and make sure the thing will still work.

DR. LOVEJOY: Well, you should have thought of that before you made that little deal with Tidwell, shouldn't you?

ERIK: No, I've got it! I don't know squat about elevators, but I _do _know a little somethin' somethin' about architecture. We're just going to chop the roof off the car, get the organ inside, and haul it up straight out of the car again!

DR. LOVEJOY: Can you get the roof back on afterwards?

ERIK: Come on, doc, I built the freaking Opera House, for crying out loud! Tidwell will think he's got the new Sistine Chapel by the time I'm done here. We'll get out of here faster if we tackle things separately. Nadir, you can help me get the roof off. Christine, I need you to make sure the power to this thing is shut off, as I'd rather not be electrocuted. Doc, go find a block and tackle and a winch.

DR. LOVEJOY: And where do you expect me to find one of those?

ERIK: Check the basement, I'm sure there might be something down there.

RAOUL: What can I do?

ERIK: You can stand there and be part of the scenery. That's what you do best.

RAOUL: *grumbles* Look! Phangirls!

ERIK: *spazzes* What? Where?

RAOUL: *snickers*

ERIK: I'm about to kick your ass, ferret boy! If you're not going to do anything remotely useful, then just go jump in front of a train! On second thought, just go jump in front of a train, period.

DR. LOVEJOY: Would you two save the aggression for the next ferret legging contest? We have an elevator to destroy here!

-later-

ERIK: As it turns out, that was easier than I thought it would be…*into walkie talkie* Doc, do you have that winch set up?

DR. LOVEJOY: *over walkie talkie* Of course I do. Is the organ strapped in?

ERIK: It sure is. Send down the cables, and we're ready to roll.

*cables are passed through block and tackle, then lowered down to organ and hooked up*

ERIK: *into walkie talkie* All right, doc, let 'er rip!

*Lovejoy fires up winch, organ starts to rise with much creaking of steel cables*

ERIK: Whoa, that's moving a little too fast. *into walkie talkie* Doc, go easier on that thing!

*organ doesn't slow down*

ERIK: Doc, slow down…slow down…_slow down…_dammit, doc, slow the sonuvabitch down!

DR. LOVEJOY: *over walkie talkie* Don't start yelling at me! I don't know how to run this thing!

ERIK: *grumbles* Hold on, I'm coming up!

DR. LOVEJOY: No need, it's already up here.

ERIK: Well, great. Shut it off and put on the lock, we'll be right there.

DR. LOVEJOY: I think something's wrong. It's making a high-pitched, whining noise, and the cables keep moving.

ERIK: What do you mean, they keep moving? *looks up elevator shaft* For crying out loud, doc, you put the damn thing in reverse!

DR: LOVEJOY: Ah, yes, I see the switch now.

ERIK: *facepalm* Stay right there and don't touch anything! I'll be right up! I swear, if you want something done right…

DR. LOVEJOY: Hey, I'm a psychiatrist, I don't run heavy machinery!

ERIK: *eyeroll*

-later-

DR. LOVEJOY: Well, that was an ordeal.

RAOUL: No kidding.

ERIK: I don't want to hear it from you, fop. Let's get this thing inside.

NADIR: Where are we going to put it?

ERIK: Well, we're going to have to fit the rest of the furniture around it. Let's put it by that window, and see how that looks.

*organ is hauled across penthouse to designated window*

RAOUL: There, we're done. What's next?

ERIK: Not so fast…I think there's a draft over here.

CHRISTINE: Then where else can we put it?

ERIK: …How about that alcove over there?

*organ is moved to designated alcove*

RAOUL: _There, _we're done. What's next?

ERIK: Actually, I don't think the pipes will fit here.

NADIR: Where else do you propose we put this thing?

ERIK: …It might work in the middle of the living room.

*organ is positioned in living room*

RAOUL: There, we're done! What's next?

ERIK: You know, I don't think I like the feng shui of it right in the middle of the room.

RAOUL: Oh for crying out loud!

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, it's fine where it is! Let's start unpacking the boxes.

ERIK: Actually, doc, I can handle that on my own, you lot have been more than enough help—

DR. LOVEJOY: And I want to get this over with as soon as possible. Everyone, grab a box.

ERIK: No, really, I've got it under control, there's no need—

DR. LOVEJOY: *opens box* Good grief…Erik, I thought we discussed this.

ERIK: I was just going to throw all that out, anyway. Here, give me the box, doc—

DR. LOVEJOY: What did I tell you about obsessions?

ERIK: I know what you said, now give me the box!

CHRISTINE: What's up?

ERIK: Nothing!

CHRISTINE: What's in the box?

ERIK: _Nothing!_

*Lovejoy sets box full of Christine dolls on the ground*

NADIR: Oh Lord.

ERIK: Doc, you're fired.

DR. LOVEJOY: I'm hired by the court, Erik. You can't fire me.

ERIK: Then in that case, I hate your guts.

RAOUL: Man, you've got some serious issues.

ERIK: Did I ask for your input?

CHRISTINE: There's a _lot _of dolls in there…

ERIK: Don't judge me, I got bored!

CHRISTINE: *whispers*Could you make one that looks like you, for me?

ERIK: *whispers back* Really?

CHRISTINE: *winks*

RAOUL: Oh my _God!_

**Erik's got a new place to haunt! Yippee!**

**I've got big stuff planned, so stick around for more. It's going to be certifiable genius/madness! **

**And if you had fun here, you know what to do! :)**_  
><em>


	18. On Modern Living

**I'm back with another dose of lunacy! Away we go!**

*knock knock*

*door opens*

ERIK: Oh, hey, doc. You're not the pizza boy.

DR. LOVEJOY: *sigh* No, Erik, I'm not the pizza boy, I'm your psychiatrist, and you haven't been to my office in the past two weeks. Where in God's name have you been?

ERIK: I've been here, doc! I'm just settling into my new apartment. Come on in.

DR. LOVEJOY: How do you mean "settling in?" I hope you haven't been composing and forgetting to eat again! I thought we'd worked past—what's that?

ERIK: What's what?

DR. LOVEJOY: That great big, black monstrosity sitting right next to the organ?

ERIK: That's the TV. It just came last week.

DR. LOVEJOY: You bought a TV?

ERIK: Well, yeah. It's a 73-inch, high-definition, flat screen LCD with 3D capabilities. Doc, technology in the twenty-first century is _amazing! _I tried out the 3D this morning; have you ever seen anything like it? You put on these rather dorky-looking glasses, but when you look at the screen, it's like it's coming right at you! How do they _do _that?

DR. LOVEJOY: I have no idea, Erik. Now, I think we need to—

ERIK: And I got the cable installed, too! I get over five hundred channels, can you believe it?

DR. LOVEJOY: I get somewhere around six hundred, but that depends on which service you go through.

ERIK: _Six _hundred? What company are you with? I've got to drop the service I've got now and go with your people. I don't want to miss anything!

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, you're not missing anything, but we really should—

ERIK: Are you much of a TV watcher, doc? I have to TiVo some shows so I don't miss them. I've gotten quite fond of the History Channel, the Science Channel, the Discovery Channel, and there's some good stuff on BBC, E!, Comedy Central, ESPN, CBS, A&E, AMC, FX, Spike, TNT, TBS, Bio, PBS, CW, Syfy, Travel Channel, National Geographic, and the Lifetime Movie Network. But I think I missed a few in there somewhere…

DR. LOVEJOY: …Erik, please tell me you haven't been watching TV all this time.

ERIK: Of course not! I've been breaking in my Xbox.

DR. LOVEJOY: _What? _

ERIK: Have you ever heard of Guitar Hero? I'm pretty kick-ass, if I do say so myself.

DR. LOVEJOY: Where did you get all this stuff?

ERIK: Well, I was poking around on the laptop I bought when I was still in the lair, and I came across this website called Amazon dot com [A/N]. They sell everything on there!

DR. LOVEJOY: *sigh* Is that a Ping-Pong table over there?

ERIK: Yep. I really need someone else to play with. It gets kind of boring just bouncing the ball off the wall all the time, but it's great practice. Do you play much?

DR. LOVEJOY: No I don't. We really need to talk, Erik. You can't just stay holed up in your apartment for all eternity.

ERIK: Why not? I get my groceries delivered to my door and everything! I don't have to step out for anything! I'm getting a bowling alley installed tomorrow!

DR. LOVEJOY: For one thing, Erik, how do you expect to pay rent on this place if you don't get out and get a job? Especially if you're going to blow all your money on ridiculous things like 3D TVs, Ping-Pong tables, game consoles and bowling alleys? It's a matter of necessity!

*knock knock*

ERIK: Awesome. That'll be the pizza I ordered. *opens door* How's it going today, Joe?

JOE: All right, I guess. I want a rematch, though! I wasn't on form, and I still say you cheated!

ERIK: What are you talking about, man? I don't cheat!

DR. LOVEJOY: What _are _you talking about?

ERIK: Joe's been sulking because he can't beat me at Halo, that's all. Anyway, how much for the pizza?

JOE: It's $12.99 for a large. You ordered meat lover's, right?

ERIK: Sure did. Here's a twenty, and you can keep the change.

JOE: Thanks, dude! How about that rematch?

ERIK: Probably tomorrow. Bring your a-game next time, all right?

JOE: Right on. See you then!

*door closes*

ERIK: Doc, what exactly is a "dude?" Everyone nowadays seems to use the word, but I still have no idea what it means. Do you want some of this pizza?

DR. LOVEJOY: Uh, no thanks.

ERIK: Suit yourself.

DR. LOVEJOY: I mean it, Erik, you have to get out of here once in a while. You're supposed to be integrating yourself into society, remember?

ERIK: Yeah, see, here's the thing. The last time I tried to integrate myself into society, I was mocked, ridiculed, beaten, locked in a cage, and very nearly burned at the stake. I haven't told you that story, have I? Good times, doc. Good times.

DR. LOVEJOY: That was about a hundred years ago, Erik. Times have changed. You're famous now!

ERIK: And all the celebrities I see on my 73-inch are seriously loaded no-accounts who get filthy rich just by making sex tapes and getting out of their automobiles without wearing any undergarments!

DR. LOVEJOY: But a little more is expected of you, Erik. You're a genius and all that, and they hold you up to higher standards.

ERIK: Tortured genius, doc, I'm a tortured genius. There's a difference. Tortured geniuses get to whine about their terrible childhood years to Larry King.

DR. LOVEJOY: Oh Lord, you really weren't ready for the twenty-first century.

ERIK: I'm the Phantom, doc. I'm ready for anything.

DR. LOVEJOY: Good. Then put down the pizza and come with me.

ERIK: Where are we going?

DR. LOVEJOY: Shopping.

ERIK: But I get my groceries delivered now, I just told you!

DR. LOVEJOY: Not grocery shopping, Erik! We're giving you a makeover.

ERIK: Excuse me?

DR. LOVEJOY: …We're giving you a new look.

ERIK: Oh, I get it now! You want to take me to buy new clothes, and change my hair style, and stuff like that! I've seen this on _What Not to Wear! _

DR. LOVEJOY: …Exactly.

ERIK: But what's wrong with my current look? It's my trademark!

DR. LOVEJOY: That's the problem, Erik. The suits and the capes and the sleek wigs are all highly reminiscent of murderous, reclusive, psychopathic, musical marvels.

ERIK: Aw, shucks, doc, I'm flattered.

DR. LOVEJOY: That wasn't a compliment.

ERIK: But you just made my point! My look is all me! The suits, capes, and sleek wigs are reminiscent of all that because all that's me! It lets everyone know who I am!

DR. LOVEJOY: Exactly! Everyone, including the phangirls.

ERIK: …Doc, call a cab! We've got some shopping to do!

A/N: Had to format it that way, or it would have been deleted. It's a bit stupid, really.

**Driving lessons are next! If you had any fun whatsoever, lay on that horn for me, would ya? :)**

**BTW, I've started promoting you fic writers on my blog (see my profile for a link), so if you want me to brag on you, just let me know!  
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	19. Driving Lessons, Part One

**Woo-hoo! 100 reviews! *happy dance* Anyway...**

**It's here! The much-anticipated driver's ed course! That special time of life that brings out the worst in us all! Onto the madness!**

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, get your coat.

ERIK: Where are we going, doc? Another shopping trip? I admit, I like my new look, but malls aren't really my thing and there's only so much time I can spend Macy's without going berserk.

DR. LOVEJOY: We're not going shopping, Erik, we're going to get your learner's permit.

ERIK: Learner's permit? As in, _driver's license?_

DR. LOVEJOY: Well, the preliminary step, at any rate. Have you been studying that handbook I gave you?

ERIK: Are you kidding? I only had to read it once before I had it memorized!

DR. LOVEJOY: Ah yes, I forgot, I'm talking to the king of prodigies. Do you think you're ready to take the written exam?

ERIK: Doc, I'm the Phantom, I'm—

DR. LOVEJOY: Never mind, let's just go.

-later-

DR. LOVEJOY: So, how did the exam go?

ERIK: It went swimmingly, doctor. I answered every question in the allotted time, I only cheated once, and I didn't have to strangle the moron giving the exam.

DR. LOVEJOY: You _cheated?_

ERIK: Only once! I forgot the legal limit for blood-alcohol content.

DR. LOVEJOY: …

ERIK: So, did I pass or fail?

DR. LOVEJOY: You passed and it's not a big surprise, seeing as how you were cheating.

ERIK: What happens now?

DR. LOVEJOY: You're issued your learner's permit, and then we rent a car before getting in some road time.

ERIK: Why are we renting a car?

DR. LOVEJOY: Because, Erik. Prodigy or not, you're not driving my brand-new Mercedes, especially never having driven a car before in your life.

ERIK: …Buzzkill.

-later-

DR. LOVEJOY: First things first, Erik. Put on your seat belt.

ERIK: Why?

DR. LOVEJOY: Because if we get into a wreck it just might save your life.

ERIK: Doc, you took us to an empty parking lot! How the hey are we going to get in a wreck in an empty parking lot?

DR. LOVEJOY: Right then, how about because it's illegal to ride without a seat belt, and it looks bad if you get points on your driving record half an hour after your permit is issued?

ERIK: *sigh* Fine. *attempts to put on seat belt* How does this thing work?

DR. LOVEJOY: For the love of…you've got the belt in your hand, right? Now do you see that buckle there that's attached to it?

ERIK: Yes, I see it.

DR. LOVEJOY: And now do you see that other buckle sticking out of the seat next to your hip? Stick the buckle on the belt into the buckle at your hip and wait for it to click.

ERIK: And what does it do once it clicks?

DR. LOVEJOY: …It just lets you know that the buckle is working properly. Now, take the keys and put them in the ignition—

ERIK: There it is again, that word. It kept coming up in the handbook, but I don't know what it refers to. It clearly doesn't mean "blastoff" or "detonation" or—

DR. LOVEJOY: _Start, _Erik. The ignition is where you _start_ the car.

ERIK: And that is _where, _exactly?

DR. LOVEJOY: *eyeroll* Do you see that keyhole right there behind the big wheel in front of you, the big wheel being what you use to steer the car and the keyhole being where you put the key that gets it going in the first place?

ERIK: Sheesh, doc, you don't have to be so patronizing about it! *starts car* Now what?

DR. LOVEJOY: You put it in gear.

ERIK: How do I—

DR. LOVEJOY: Just give me two seconds and I'll tell you! You're driving a manual, which means you have to use the stick shift to change gears. The stick shift is that handle jutting out of the console there. See those markings?

ERIK: You mean one, two, three, four, five, and "R?"

DR. LOVEJOY: Yes, exactly.

ERIK: What does the "R" stand for?

DR. LOVEJOY: It stands for reverse, but we haven't gotten to that part yet. What you do is move that stick around until the knob is more or less pointing in the direction of one of those markings. I want you to put the car in first, got it?

ERIK: Got it. *shifts gear*

DR. LOVEJOY: Good. As for those pedals down at your feet, the one on the far left is the clutch—

ERIK: And what's that for?

DR. LOVEJOY: It allows you to change gears. The next pedal is the brake. I want you to keep your left foot right next to that one at all times, are we clear on that?

ERIK: Sure are.

DR. LOVEJOY: Great. That last pedal on the right is the acceleration. With your right foot, apply gentle and steady pressure until the car starts moving.

ERIK: I can do that. *applies pressure*

*low rumble, no movement*

DR. LOVEJOY: …A bit more pressure…

*tires squeal, still no movement*

DR. LOVEJOY: …More pressure?

*burnout, still no movement*

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, get your foot off the acceleration, right now!

ERIK: What? What did I do?

DR. LOVEJOY: I told you to put the car in _first _gear, and you've got it in _fifth! _No wonder we're not moving! You're going to wreck the transmission!

ERIK: Chill out, doc, it's a rental. And what's the transmission?

DR. LOVEJOY: …

ERIK: Doc?

DR. LOVEJOY: We're just going to have to take things very, very slow…Put the car in first gear, Erik, and apply gentle, steady pressure to the gas.

ERIK: *puts car in gear and foot on gas*

*car pulls forward*

ERIK: How am I doing so far?

DR. LOVEJOY: You're doing good. Now you're heading straight for that cart corral up ahead, so turn left.

ERIK: You mean turn the wheel to the left?

DR. LOVEJOY: Uh, yes. Just a little.

ERIK: *turns wheel fraction of an inch*

*car barely turns*

DR. LOVEJOY: Turn a little more…

*car veers slightly*

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, you need to turn more than that!

ERIK: *jerks wheel*

*car spins off sharply and hits light pole*

DR. LOVEJOY: Good God, man, I didn't mean that much!

ERIK: Well, excuse me, Dr. Lovejoy, ruler of the highway! I wasn't going that fast, so it's not like there should be much damage to this heap, and besides, it's a rental!

DR. LOVEJOY: I knew I should have gotten the liability coverage…

ERIK: You didn't get the insurance? Come on, doc, everyone knows you're always supposed to get the insurance! Rent-a-cars are no fun without them! Can we try backing up now?

DR. LOVEJOY: We're going to have to, there's a pole in front of us.

ERIK: You just won't let that go, will you?

DR. LOVEJOY: Shift the car into the reverse gear; yes, you've got it, and when you're backing up you always check your mirrors first.

ERIK: Yeah, sorry, I still don't look in mirrors.

DR. LOVEJOY: You're not looking at your own reflection, for Pete's sake! The mirrors are to help you see what's going on outside the car!

ERIK: Well, you could have told me that sooner!

DR. LOVEJOY: Just check the side mirror—that's the one attached to the door on the outside. Is there anything back there?

ERIK: Aside from the bumper and that pigeon, you mean? No, not a thing.

DR. LOVEJOY: Now check the rearview mirror, hanging from the roof right above you. Clear?

ERIK: Aside from the aforementioned pigeon, we're clear.

DR. LOVEJOY: OK, I want you to turn in the seat and look behind you as you back up—

ERIK: But what about that pigeon?

DR. LOVEJOY: The pigeon will move, Erik! Now, straighten out the tires and again, gentle and steady pressure on the gas.

*car reverses at highway speed*

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, what the hell, slow down!

ERIK: Sorry! My foot slipped!

DR. LOVEJOY: Slow down!

ERIK: *stomps on brake*

*car jerks to a halt*

DR. LOVEJOY: *aggravated sigh* Once again, gentle yet steady pressure on the pedals, and that includes the brake! You need to shift now.

ERIK: And how do I do that?

DR. LOVEJOY: You put your foot on the clutch, then shift into the next gear, and take your foot off the clutch again. And try to do it as smoothly as possible.

ERIK: *hits clutch, shifts into second, and takes foot off clutch*

*car stalls*

DR. LOVEJOY: Ah crap, what did you do now?

ERIK: Whaddya mean, what did _I _do now? I did exactly as you told me to!

DR. LOVEJOY: You were supposed to stay on the gas! You can't shift gears when you're not moving!

ERIK: I repeat: I did _exactly _as you told me to. You didn't say one damn word about staying on the gas.

DR. LOVEJOY: Oh, God. You know, for a genius you're astoundingly stupid.

ERIK: Well, for a psychiatrist, you're about to drive me insane!

DR. LOVEJOY: You _are _insane, Erik! How do you think you ended up in therapy in the first place?

ERIK: …You know, doc, sometimes I really don't like you all that much.

DR. LOVEJOY: And I'm sure you'll get over it. *sighs and rubs temple* This is about all I can handle for one day. Get out, let's switch places and take this thing back to the dealer.

-later-

ERIK: Doc, I just noticed there's no gear shift in your car.

DR. LOVEJOY: That's because mine's an automatic.

ERIK: What does that mean?

DR. LOVEJOY: It means I don't have to shift. The car does it for me.

ERIK: Then what the hell were you thinking to stick me in that piece of—

DR. LOVEJOY: Language, Erik. Language.

ERIK: *eyeroll*

**Part two is next! Erik and the doc are going to hit the highway, and God help the other drivers!**

**And one more thing...**

**Don't forget to honk! :)**


	20. Driving Lessons, Part Two

**It's here! The epic finale of Erik and Driver's Education! (Well, I'll let you decide if it's epic or not...)**

DR. LOVEJOY: We've been practicing your driving skills quite a bit these last few weeks, Erik, so I think it's time to get you some experience on the highway.

ERIK: Righteous.

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, I know you're settling into the times, but please don't start using street talk.

ERIK: Why?

DR. LOVEJOY: Because it freaks me out. Now, my only concern is that you haven't quite mastered the art of shifting yet, and that could be a problem on the open road.

ERIK: Doc, it's not an art. Art implies excellence, perfection, beauty. A manual transmission is the most idiotic, hare-brained invention known to mankind and there's no way in hell it can be "mastered."

DR. LOVEJOY: Well, I have.

ERIK: …What?

DR. LOVEJOY: You heard me. I learned to drive on a stick, just like millions of other people have. Do you mean to say that the good genius, the _Phantom of the Opera, _can't shift gears on his own?

ERIK: …

DR. LOVEJOY: Hm?

ERIK: Give me those keys. Now. We're going driving.

-later-

DR. LOVEJOY: There's the entrance ramp up ahead. Before we pull out there, just remember to keep a level head at all times, pay attention to the other drivers, and be courteous and alert. Got it?

ERIK: *deep breath* Got it.

DR. LOVEJOY: All right then. Full speed ahead.

ERIK: *stomps gas pedal*

*car shoots forward*

DR. LOVEJOY: I didn't mean literally!

ERIK: *slows down* Well, doc, you should have been clearer about that.

DR. LOVEJOY: You know, now that we're here I'm not so sure about this…

ERIK: Relax, it'll be fine.

DR. LOVEJOY: Dear God, I hope so. Watch out here, you need to merge. Use your turn signal, wait for an opening…

ERIK: *changes lanes*

DR. LOVEJOY: OK, look sharp, there's another on-ramp coming up. Be ready to move over—

*another car pulls out sharply*

ERIK: What the hell? That moron just cut me off!

DR. LOVEJOY: Don't take it personally, Erik. Just stay cool and let it go.

ERIK: But he cut me off!

DR. LOVEJOY: It happens all the time—oh hell, it happens all the time…Erik, remember your anger management when you're driving! I don't want to hand a bad report to the judge after all this time!

ERIK: *grumbles* Fine. But that wasn't very courteous of him!

DR. LOVEJOY: Well, no, but not everyone is always mindful of the other people using the road. You just have to grin and bear it.

ERIK: And that's what scares me. I'm not so good at the grinning and the bearing.

DR. LOVEJOY: You'll have to get good at it, or we're in serious trouble.

*engine strains*

DR. LOVEJOY: Shift now. Remember, clutch, shift, clutch and keep it smooth.

ERIK: *shifts*

*car jolts*

ERIK: Sorry.

DR. LOVEJOY: That's all right. That was at least smoother than the last time. There's our junction up there, so we need to change lanes again.

ERIK: Gotcha. *hits turn signal and begins to change lanes*

*another car speeds past and clips bumper*

ERIK: Son of a bitch! That a-hole just hit me!

DR. LOVEJOY: For the love of God, Erik, calm down! You're not the one who has to pay for the damage!

ERIK: Are you telling me you didn't get the insurance again? Doc, you're _always _supposed to get the insurance!

DR. LOVEJOY: Just shut up and watch the road! You're straddling lanes! Move over already!

ERIK: Oh, shit, I forgot. *completes lane change*

ANGRY DRIVER: *honks* Quit hogging the road, jackass!

ERIK: Excuse me?

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik! Count to ten and ignore it! The judge—

ERIK: Who're you calling a jackass, you loudmouth bug-eyed mother—

DR. LOVEJOY: Think of a peaceful place!

ANGRY DRIVER: *hand gesture*

ERIK: You'd better put that bird back in its cage before I come over there and shove it up your—

DR. LOVEJOY: Remember what the judge said!

ERIK: Oh, give it a rest, doc, he's gone. You're worse than someone's grandmother.

DR. LOVEJOY: How would you know? You never met your grandmother.

ERIK: Well, thank you very much, Dr. Killjoy. Just because I never had a proper family means I can't use an expression?

DR. LOVEJOY: The highway is really not the place to discuss it, Erik.

ERIK: Why are all those people stopped up ahead?

DR. LOVEJOY: *checks watch* Oh, this is just dandy! I really didn't want to be out here with you during rush hour!

ERIK: So what do I do?

DR. LOVEJOY: There's not much you can do until traffic clears up except pay attention to everything and mind your own business. We just have to sit and wait.

-fifteen minutes later-

ERIK: It's the oddest thing, but the noise of all these horns is giving me inspiration for a new piece on the organ.

DR. LOVEJOY: It's cacophonous, dissonant, and not in the least melodic!

ERIK: You've never heard my opera, have you?

DR. LOVEJOY: *eyeroll*

ERIK: Ah, look, we're moving again.

DR. LOVEJOY: Great. It's getting late, so I want you to pull off—what the hell!

ERIK: What?

DR. LOVEJOY: _What the hell!_

ERIK: What's wrong with you, doc?

DR. LOVEJOY: Bucky!

ERIK: What?

DR. LOVEJOY: _And _Ricky!

ERIK: What do you mean, Bucky and—oh shit, how the hell did they get here?

DR. LOVEJOY: Precisely what I want to know!

ERIK: You know what; they must have been hiding in my coat pocket. *checks pocket* Aw, damn, they ate the candy bar I had in there!

DR. LOVEJOY: What are we going to do with them? They can't just run loose in the car!

ERIK: You'll have to hold onto them. There's Ricky, so just find Bucky; I gotta shift. *presses on clutch*

*angry squeak*

ERIK: Oh hell, I squashed Bucky! Come here, you…* bends down to retrieve ferret*

DR. LOVEJOY: For Christ's sake Erik watch the road!

ERIK: *straightens up holding ferret* Here doc, be careful with him. I think he's a little ticked at the moment.

BUCKY: *starts biting*

DR. LOVEJOY: Ow—dammit—cut it out, you—ouch! You little weasel bastard, stop it!

ERIK: He's not a weasel! He's a ferret!

DR. LOVEJOY: PULL OVER RIGHT NOW!

ERIK: *pulls onto shoulder* What?

DR. LOVEJOY: Switch places with me. I'm driving, and you're looking after the rat-faced little turd you thought it was a good idea to teach to bite.

ERIK: *shrugs* Fine with me. *mutters* Someone needs a nap…

DR. LOVEJOY: What was that?

ERIK: Nothing.

-weeks later-

DMV CLERK: You passed your skills test, sir, but there seems to be some trouble with your registration paperwork.

ERIK: What's that?

DMV CLERK: You haven't filled out your last name.

ERIK: Oh, that! Sorry, I don't have one of those.

DMV CLERK: …You don't have a last name?

ERIK: Not generally, no.

DR. LOVEJOY: There has to be something you can use, Erik.

ERIK: Well, usually when I have a last name, it's Destler…yeah, that'll work!

DMV CLERK: Is he serious?

DR. LOVEJOY: I'm afraid he is.

DMV CLERK: *types something* Here you are, sir, your new license.

ERIK: Awesome!

DMV CLERK: Do you already have a car?

ERIK: I have a Shelby GT 500 named Eleanor, if no one outbids me on eBay.

DMV CLERK: Eleanor? You mean the car in _Gone In 60 Seconds_?

ERIK: Yep, but I'm renaming her.

DMV CLERK: To what?

ERIK: Christine.

DR. LOVEJOY: Oh Jesus…Erik, why would you want to do a thing like that?

ERIK: That way I get to ride her around every day!

DR. LOVEJOY: …

ERIK: And I've been waiting forever to take the Harley out for a spin.

DMV CLERK: But sir, you only have a Class D license, and that's not valid to operate a motorcycle. You need a Class M for that.

ERIK: …Doc! We need to rent a hog!

DR. LOVEJOY: The hell we do!

ERIK: Why?

DR. LOVEJOY: After all the crap I went through trying to teach you how to drive a car, I'll be damned if I'm going to show you how to ride a motorcycle!

ERIK: …Buzzkill.

**Stay tuned for the next exciting chapter! I can guarantee that secrets will be revealed, hearts will be broken, and the good doctor's office will be gate-crashed by a studio audience!**

**I might be kidding...or I might not...you'll have to wait and see...**


	21. On Fatherhood

**A big hearty thank you to the reviewer who suggested this! It's gonna be a blast in chapters to come!**

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, I brought the vicomte, Christine, and Nadir here today to discuss something rather important.

ERIK: What's that, doc?

DR. LOVEJOY: It's…kind of an…uncomfortable subject…

ERIK: How so?

NADIR: Well, do you remember that night when you and Christine…uh…

ERIK: …Huh?

NADIR: Do you want me to draw you a picture?

ERIK: …Oh, that! Yeah, I remember now! And how the hell do _you _know about that?

NADIR: You got drunk one night and called me up bragging.

ERIK: Oh. Sounds about right.

RAOUL: What are you guys talking about?

EVERYONE: …

DR. LOVEJOY: Anyway, I thought that it was high time you actually met your son.

ERIK: *sigh* I don't know, doc…

RAOUL: He has a son?

DR. LOVEJOY: …Yes, he does. Erik, it's time to step up to the plate here. You need to start being a part of your son's life.

ERIK: But doc, I'm not cut out for fatherhood!

DR. LOVEJOY: Well, you should have thought of that before you went past the point of no return beneath a moonless sky, or whatever the hell it was! Didn't you take sex ed?

ERIK: What kind of stupid question is that?

CHRISTINE: Can we get back on the subject, please?

RAOUL: _What _subject?

ERIK: The subject of my kid, you twit.

RAOUL: _What _kid?

ERIK: That's actually what I'd like to know, doc.

DR. LOVEJOY: Fine, I'll bring him in and introduce you. *opens door and ushers in a boy*

RAOUL: Oh, hi son! Have you met my boy, doctor?

DR. LOVEJOY: …Erik, this is…aw crap, what's his name again?

NADIR: Charles.

RAOUL: No, it was Pierre.

CHRISTINE: You're both wrong, it's Gustave.

ERIK: Heck, let's just call him PJ, short for Phantom, Jr.

RAOUL: What makes you think we're naming him after you? And why do you get to name him in the first place?

ERIK: 'Cause I'm the baby daddy, that's why.

RAOUL: _WHAT?_

ERIK: Surprise!

RAOUL: But—but I thought—Christine said—

CHRISTINE: Oh come on, you're telling me you _didn't _notice?

RAOUL: Oh my _God! _I don't _believe _this!

ERIK: Sad but true, little man. Sorry.

RAOUL: Are you freaking kidding me? What the hell? Was I the only one who _didn't _know about this?

DR. LOVEJOY: Schedule an appointment with my secretary and we can talk about this sometime.

RAOUL: …

DR. LOVEJOY: Anyway, back to why we're here. Erik, this is…PJ, I guess. PJ, this is Erik, your real father.

ERIK: Uh…hi?

PJ: Hello.

ERIK: So…how old are you, PJ?

DR. LOVEJOY: Well, how many years ago did the incident take place?

ERIK: I think it was…fourteen years, maybe?

RAOUL: Ha! He was born ten years ago, which makes him my kid, so suck it!

CHRISTINE: No, he's definitely Erik's.

RAOUL: How do you know?

NADIR: Because that's the big plot twist, man. If it weren't for the time warp, there'd be no second guessing it.

ERIK: But how _old _is he?

DR. LOVEJOY: Let's just go with the happy medium and say he's twelve. You don't mind being twelve, do you PJ?

PJ: I guess not. It's fine with me.

RAOUL: Did you hear that? He's too polite to be _his. _

ERIK: Dude, seriously, he's my son. Look at him! You can see the resemblance!

EVERYONE: …

ERIK: Well, I'm sure it's more of a mental, spiritual resemblance, or some other hogwash like that.

CHRISTINE: He does have a way with animals, and he's freakishly gifted, but it's impossible to get him out of bed in the morning…

ERIK: Well, he gets that from you. You remember, right?

CHRISTINE: Oh yeah. I remember _everything_. *wink*

NADIR: I have to say, this conversation is making me extremely uncomfortable.

RAOUL: Amen, my good man.

DR. LOVEJOY: Right, so…moving on. PJ, why don't you go over and get to know your father?

PJ: Can I call you "Dad?"

ERIK: I'd rather you didn't for the time being, kiddo. A man's gotta get used to something like this before you start tossing around the "D" word.

PJ: Then what can I call you?

ERIK: Well, I would prefer to be called "Monsieur le Fantôme," but—

DR. LOVEJOY: Oh for crying out—just call him "Erik," PJ.

PJ: All right. What can I call you, doctor?

DR. LOVEJOY: You can call me—

ERIK: He's known in the world of psychiatry as "Dr. Killjoy."

DR. LOVEJOY: Would you shut up? PJ, call me whatever you want except "killjoy." Your dad likes to pretend he's witty, but between you and me he's a bit of an—

ERIK: Don't go disrespecting me in front of my boy, man!

RAOUL: Well, considering I've reared him up for the last…twelve years, I guess, I'd like a little assurance that I still get some recognition over here.

PJ: Don't worry, Dad. I'll still call you "Dad."

CHRISTINE: Isn't he so sweet?

ERIK: Wait a minute…both of us are going to be referred to as "Dad?" Won't that get a bit confusing?

PJ: Why not? I'll just tell the guys at school that I have two dads.

ERIK: …

RAOUL: …

ERIK: I would really appreciate if you didn't do that, PJ.

RAOUL: I second the motion.

ERIK: Slash fic flashbacks for you too, huh?

RAOUL: Yeah.

PJ: That's all right. If anyone tries to get smart with me about either one of you, I'll string him up from the flag pole.

RAOUL: …Yep, he's your kid for sure.

**So as it turns out I was kidding about the studio audience, but other than that...how'd you like it?**

**More on the way! Expect it when you see it! **


	22. On Job Searching

**Sorry it took so long. Go nuts!**

DR. LOVEJOY: Well, Erik, I think it's about time you joined the work force. After all, you have certain responsibilities as a father now, and you have to provide for PJ.

ERIK: But doc, I still get that twenty grand from the managers!

DR. LOVEJOY: Not anymore, you don't. The judge stepped in some time ago, and if he catches you up to any more extortion, you're screwed. You need to get a job and actually work for a living.

ERIK: And I didn't work for my salary at the Opera House? They would have gone belly up years ago if it weren't for my keeping them in line!

DR. LOVEJOY: Yes, I'm sure you saved their necks plenty. We need to write your résumé. You've got extensive experience, but we need to figure out how to sell it to your potential employers. "Professional ghost" looks weird on an application.

ERIK: So what do we do?

DR. LOVEJOY: What kind of skills do you have?

ERIK: Sideshow freak.

DR. LOVEJOY: I don't know if there's a market for something like that…what else?

ERIK: Ventriloquist.

DR. LOVEJOY: Those guys are a dime a dozen nowadays, but people seem to enjoy them, so that's a possibility. What else?

ERIK: Architect.

DR. LOVEJOY: There's good money in that business.

ERIK: And how many architects specialize in secret passageways and trap doors these days? I'll bet there aren't that many.

DR. LOVEJOY: …Moving on. What else?

ERIK: Magician.

DR. LOVEJOY: Now that seems more your style. You could probably head line your own show in Vegas.

ERIK: It'll be a cold day in hell before I set foot in Vegas for jack squat! Do you know what they do to magicians in Vegas? They cover them in sequins and feed them to tigers! And have you _seen _Criss Angel?

DR. LOVEJOY: Some people think he's a bad ass.

ERIK: No, doc, _I'm _a bad ass. Criss Angel's just a jackass.

DR. LOVEJOY: You're going to be some kind of ass if you can't provide for your son! You can only get paid so much for the things you can do with that big organ of yours!

ERIK: I'll have you know I could get paid a shitload for the things I can do with my big organ.

DR. LOVEJOY: Would you grow up? You have a kid of your own; you're too old to be acting like one!

ERIK: What did I say? I was referring to the musical instrument. You're the one who took it in an inappropriate direction. You ought to be ashamed of yourself!

DR. LOVEJOY: …

ERIK: Cat got your tongue, doc, or do you need a shovel to dig your mind out of that gutter?

DR. LOVEJOY: Stuff it. What else have you got?

ERIK: Well, it's a bit rich that you jump on me for being tasteless when you go and make insinuations like that—

DR. LOVEJOY: No, I mean what else could you put on a résumé!

ERIK: Oh. I guess there was that time when I was an assassin in Persia…hey, with that and my super ninja skills, I could make one hell of a secret agent!

DR. LOVEJOY: I'm sure you could, but I don't have any clout with any spy organizations.

ERIK: Who cares? They'd be lucky to have me! I'm great at getting information out of people. Or! Or! I could be a hit man! I'm _really _great at making people vanish unobtrusively!

DR. LOVEJOY: …The judge would have you drawn and quartered at high noon if you became a hit man. I'll just put "private detective," though "hired hellhound" seems more appropriate.

ERIK: That actually sounds pretty cool. I could open my own agency with that name.

DR. LOVEJOY: I was thinking something more conventional, to be honest.

ERIK: Conventional? Doc, have you forgotten who you're talking to?

DR. LOVEJOY: Sometimes, Erik, I wish I could. You could compose…you'd win every award available for the music you could write for movies, TV, and musical theater.

ERIK: And I'd knock Lord Andrew on his ass doing it. I still haven't entirely forgiven him for the sequel.

DR. LOVEJOY: Or you could teach. Millions upon millions of people would come from all over the world to be taught by the Angel of Music.

ERIK: Are you freaking nuts? I'm not taking on that many pupils, and I'm not screening through all the whack jobs who think they're talented to find the one-in-a-million students! I may look anywhere from thirty to fifty, but I'm a hundred years old! That's way too ancient for that kind of grunt work!

DR. LOVEJOY: Then what else are you going to do, exactly? You have to do _something_!

ERIK: Hell, I have no clue! You think of something! This was your idea!

DR. LOVEJOY: Well, I might have a suggestion…

-one week later-

ERIK: Doc, do you want to explain to me why you dragged me away from the _Nightmare on Elm Street _marathon this early in the morning to bring me to a school?

DR. LOVEJOY: It had to be done, Freddy.

ERIK: What?

DR. LOVEJOY: Nothing. It's your first day on the job. I got you a post as a substitute music teacher, and Ms. Davis called in sick this morning. You're on.

ERIK: Whoa, wait a minute! I said I didn't want to teach! And I have no people skills, remember? I can't cope with a room full of whining, screaming kids!

DR. LOVEJOY: I don't think you'll have too much trouble with the whining and the screaming, as your students are all teenagers.

ERIK: Oh, and that makes it all better, does it? Instead, I'm stuck with a room full of pubescent smart asses with all their angst, drama, and hormones!

DR. LOVEJOY: Well then, you should feel right at home, shouldn't you?

ERIK: There's no way I'm going in there! You couldn't make me if you paid me!

DR. LOVEJOY: That's kind of the idea, Erik. If not this, then what else?

ERIK: Is it too late to get my own act in Vegas?

DR. LOVEJOY: Look, this is PJ's school, so do _try _to make a good impression, will you? School lets out at three and I've arranged with Christine and Raoul for you to take your son for the evening and spend some quality time with him.

ERIK: Psychiatrist? Doc, you're turning into my nanny.

DR. LOVEJOY: Please don't remind me.

-later-

DR. LOVEJOY: Well, how was it?

ERIK: It was…surreal.

DR. LOVEJOY: That bad? You had a music class today, didn't you, PJ?

PJ: I did, doctor, and I thought it was the best class ever.

DR. LOVEJOY: Oh, good, someone's being positive! How was it?

PJ: Ms. Davis is all right, but between us she'd be better off at an elementary school. She acts like she's teaching a bunch of kindergarteners. Erik was a drill sergeant! It was awesome! They were scared to death of him!

DR. LOVEJOY: Why? He didn't threaten, manhandle, or otherwise intimidate anyone, did he?

PJ: No! I just told them who he was and that he was in therapy for going bonkers and killing a bunch of people!

DR. LOVEJOY: …Erik, how did the rest of the day go?

ERIK: What do they teach kids nowadays? They'd never even heard of Liszt, and when I asked what they had been working on, they said something like "Sexy Back." Half of the girls were flirting with me, half of the boys tried to sass me, and not one of them had a smidgeon of musical prowess!

DR. LOVEJOY: Just give it time; I'm sure if you got a permanent job here you could whip them into shape.

ERIK: Doc, there's no force on earth that could make me come back here.

PJ: Really? But I liked having you!

DR. LOVEJOY: There, see? You've already made your mark on one of your pupils.

ERIK: *grumbles* Fine, I'll…_think _about it.

PJ: You know, Erik, all the other kids in my class thought you were the sickest teacher ever.

ERIK: Gee thanks, sport. That cheers me right up.

PJ: No, it's a compliment!

ERIK: What _do _they teach these whippersnappers nowadays?

PJ: We get it all from TV and the internet.

ERIK: Well, that explains it. By the way, what exactly is "Bieber fever?"

PJ: …Don't ask.

**Have a great new year!**


	23. Drag Racing

**I regret to inform all of you that "Psychotherapy of an Opera Phantom" will soon be drawing to a close. This is not in any way due to a lack of material, but because it's getting tougher and tougher to come up with good jokes and I'd rather call it quits than give you bad comedy. We've still got a few chapters left, though, and I think you'll like this one!**

DR. LOVEJOY: Will someone please explain to me why we're out here on an airport runway at three-thirty in the afternoon?

ERIK: Well, we had to set a time when everyone could make it out here.

DR. LOVEJOY: But why are we out here in the first place?

RAOUL: We noticed something, doctor. I won the sword fight—

ERIK: In a freak incident.

DR. LOVEJOY: *eyeroll*

ERIK: And I won the ferret legging—

DR. LOVEJOY: Because you cheated.

ERIK: Prove it, doc! Anyway, we realized we had a tie and we can't leave things on a tie.

NADIR: Yes, you can. These spitting contests to see who's the biggest kid on the playground are ridiculous.

ERIK: You want to know what's ridiculous, Nadir? The idea that the almighty and all-powerful Phantom is on the same level as a dork with a pencil moustache and or ponytail and with all the personality of a peeled potato. I don't think I could stand the shame.

DR. LOVEJOY: But why are we at an airport?

RAOUL: We decided we had to settle this like men.

DR. LOVEJOY: How so?

RAOUL: A drag race.

DR. LOVEJOY: …I guess that would explain why Christine is here.

CHRISTINE: You expected me at a drag race?

DR. LOVEJOY: No, not you, Christine, I meant the car Christine.

ERIK: Yep, and she rides like demon when you get her all revved up.

RAOUL: Excuse me?

ERIK: The car, fop, the car. What's that heap you drive, anyway?

RAOUL: That is a 1973 Plymouth Barracuda, E-body version, with only 39,000 original miles on it, dual exhaust, and a 440 Magnum with 375 horsepower. I got it a few years ago and had the interior restored a bit, but I think it's about time it burned a little rubber.

ERIK: That's a pretty big car, little man… Trying to compensate for something?

RAOUL: Gee, I don't know. How's that enormous organ of yours?

ERIK: You broke it, asshole!

DR. LOVEJOY, NADIR AND CHRISTINE: …

ERIK: I meant when we were trying to move it out of the lair and he dropped it.

DR. LOVEJOY, NADIR AND CHRISTINE: …

ERIK: You people are just sick! Now can we please get on with this?

NADIR: It's things like drag racing, road rallies, and Nascar that are contributing to global warming, you know.

ERIK: Tell it to Greenpeace, Nadir. Well, fop, if those are your wheels then Christine and I should make short work of you.

RAOUL: You're sure about that? I did some work on this thing, you know. I installed a nitrous regulation system in it ages ago. I've spent so many hours under the hood—

ERIK: Really? Then where is the carburetor?

RAOUL: …It's under the hood. Duh.

ERIK: That's what I thought, sissy boy. The starting line is over here, and the first one to the end of the runway is the winner.

RAOUL: What do you say we make things interesting? How about going title for title?

ERIK: Actually—

DR. LOVEJOY AND NADIR: No!

ERIK AND RAOUL: What?

DR. LOVEJOY: This whole charade is stupid enough without betting pinks on it!

RAOUL: Come on, doctor, live a little!

NADIR: This was supposed to be for bragging rights only! No one said a word about any bets!

ERIK: Webber version!

CHRISTINE: How's this: Whoever loses has to buy the winner dinner for two weeks, no spending limits.

RAOUL: …That could get pretty pricey…which makes it a great solution! I'm in!

ERIK: *shrugs* Well, since there's no way he was going to beat me and I would have been forced to take his ride away from him, I suppose it's only fair to go along with this.

DR. LOVEJOY: That's very sporting of you, Erik.

ERIK: Besides, I don't have any room to store that hunk of shit. There's barely enough room in the penthouse for me and my enormous organ.

NADIR: Please tell me you're referring to the musical instrument again.

ERIK: Eat your heart out, daroga. Now then, let's get this over with because I'm dying to see if Olive Garden has carry-out. Prepare to eat my dust, fop.

RAOUL: Hold your horses, O.G. This thing has that jungle juice known as nitrous oxide pulsing through its veins. It's gonna rip off the line so fast, keeping up with it is going to be like trying to catch a greased pig.

ERIK: Whatever, man. Get in the car.

*engines are fired up and revved*

ERIK: Nadir, give us a countdown!

NADIR: *eyeroll* Three, two, one, go!

*squealing tires and epic burnout*

*cars hurtle towards end of runway*

*Barracuda dies*

RAOUL: What the hell? What happened?

ERIK: *brakes at end of runway* Well, it looks like I win again, buddy boy.

RAOUL: No way! The 'Cuda broke down, so that doesn't count!

CHRISTINE: Are you sure it broke down and you didn't just lose?

RAOUL: Seriously, whose side are you on? *lifts hood*

*oil reservoir has blown, covering engine block*

ERIK: Well, there's your problem.

RAOUL: Thanks for the input, Captain Obvious.

NADIR: *surveys damage* When you installed the NOS system, did you soup up the cooling unit?

RAOUL: Why would I do that?

ERIK: The engine is working harder, so it's getting hotter, dumbass! The oil got too hot and exploded all over everything, and it wasn't looking too good to start with! Look at it! It's like someone dumped half the Everglades in here!

DR. LOVEJOY: So it's a scratch, and we're done here.

ERIK: No, we're not done until we have a winner.

RAOUL: And what am I supposed to do now, swallow a rocket booster and continue with the race?

ERIK: Shut your whining, I've got an idea!

-later-

RAOUL: Thanks for calling the tow truck.

ERIK: Don't mention it. I couldn't take one more look at that sorry piece of scrap metal without wanting to burst out laughing. You're picking up the tab for it, by the way.

NADIR: May I ask why you rented a motorcycle?

ERIK: We need a clear-cut winner, and I wanted to break out the Switchback. Hence the bikes.

DR. LOVEJOY: So the race is still on?

ERIK: Hell yes.

DR. LOVEJOY: *sighs*

CHRISTINE: Look at it this way, Dr. Lovejoy. The sooner they settle this, the sooner they'll shut up about it and the sooner we get out of here. Besides, they don't have much daylight left.

RAOUL: Which is precisely why we need to get this show on the road. To the end of the runway?

ERIK: Dang skippy. *revs bike* Three, two, one—

RAOUL: *hits throttle early and tears off line*

ERIK: Hey! Get back here! You jumped the start!

RAOUL: *driving back* Sorry. I've never ridden one of these before.

ERIK: Yeah yeah, let's just do this.

*bikes speed off*

CHRISTINE: Who won?

DR. LOVEJOY: I couldn't tell. I think they both crossed at the same time.

NADIR: Oh, don't say that! They'll insist on doing it again!

*bikes come cruising back*

ERIK: I don't believe it! Neck and neck! It's gotta be a do-over.

DR. LOVEJOY: God, please no! Let's just get out of here, this is illegal as hell—

ERIK: Don't worry, doc, I'll squash him this time.

RAOUL: Don't get too cocky. I'm getting the hang of this thing.

*bikes speed off*

NADIR: Who won?

CHRISTINE: Neither. It was another draw.

DR. LOVEJOY: Oh for crying out loud!

-one hour later-

NADIR: Come on, the sun set twenty minutes ago! Can we please leave already?

RAOUL: But no one's won yet!

CHRISTINE: Can't someone win some other way?

ERIK: I've got it. We're going to settle this once and for all.

RAOUL: How?

ERIK: A coin toss.

DR. LOVEJOY: *facepalm*

NADIR: Erik, I find it very hard to believe that you're going to stake your reputation as a bad ass on a coin toss.

ERIK: Believe it, Nadir. *takes coin out of pocket* All right, little man. Heads I win, tails you lose.

RAOUL: Do you really think I'm that stupid?

ERIK: Do you really want me to answer that?

RAOUL: Just flip the damn coin!

ERIK: Call it in the air. *flips coin*

RAOUL: Tails.

ERIK: *palms coin* It's heads! Sorry, fop! You just boarded the train to Loserville! And it's gonna be unlimited soup, salad and breadsticks for the next two weeks!

DR. LOVEJOY: I must say, it's nice to see that you win gracefully, Erik.

NADIR: *examines coin* Wait a minute…this coin is heads on both sides…

ERIK: Webber version! Webber version!

**If you liked it, let me hear it!**


	24. Field Trip to the Theater

**Excuse me forgetting the reviewer who first suggested this, but thanks for the hint! Are you ready, folks? Here comes chaos!**

CHRISTINE: It was thoughtful of you to get tickets for all of us, doctor.

DR. LOVEJOY: It's no trouble, Christine. I just covered it under expenses for Erik's therapy.

ERIK: You call going to the show based on a version of my life story therapy? This is world class theater, doc! This is a magnum opus! This is historic! This is the single most successful entertainment venture in the history of the universe!

RAOUL: Which means it beat out all of your operas.

ERIK: Shove it, fop.

PJ: When does the show start?

DR. LOVEJOY: In about ten minutes, so we need to get to our seats.

ERIK: Tell me you got the good ones. I want a careful look at the next whack job who thinks he can play me better than I can. Who is it tonight, doc?

NADIR: Does it really matter? I thought they were all you.

ERIK: Well, they are, but only when they're pretending to be.

NADIR: And how long exactly did it take for you to work that one out?

ERIK: Shut up. What I mean is that they're another version of me for as long as they're playing me, during which time we're one and the same, and then when they stop being me they go back to being themselves and reassume their own identity, at which point they only played me.

NADIR: …

ERIK: It makes sense if you don't think about it.

DR. LOVEJOY: Yes, I'm sure it does; now we need to get moving. *checks ticket* Where are we, again?

ERIK: How should I know? I don't have the blueprint of every theater in the world graphed into my brain. I don't even know which theater this is!

CHRISTINE: I think it's the Majestic.

RAOUL: It can't be. The sign out front said it was Her Majesty's.

PJ: Can we just go with "Her Majesty's Majestic" and call it a day?

ERIK: Sounds like a good plan, PJ. You know, I do wonder where he gets those brains…

RAOUL: *eyeroll*

ERIK: But we still don't know who's playing tonight! Is it Earl Carpenter, or Hugh Panaro?

NADIR: What difference does it make?

ERIK: Because one of them captures my essence a little better than the other!

NADIR: And which one would that be?

ERIK: I'm not saying. I don't want the other to feel like he's failed.

NADIR: *sigh* Let's just sit down…

*group finds seats*

PJ: So, Erik, which version of you is your favorite?

ERIK: That's an interesting question, kiddo. I'm always going to have a soft spot for Leroux, 'cause I wouldn't even exist if it weren't for him, but Charles Dance was a witty fellow, and Lord Andrew made me look _good…_well, in a manner.

PJ: Which Webber version do you like the best?

ERIK: Crawford has the most insane cackle ever and he nailed down my Angel of Music persona perfectly, but John Owen-Jones has my seductive side down to an art, Colm Wilkinson was a bit gruff but he held that last note for eons, and that Butler is one dashing chap.

CHRISTINE: Amen to that!

RAOUL: *clears throat pointedly*

CHRISTINE: But Patrick Wilson is clearly the best version of you, dear.

RAOUL: Why thank you, sweetheart.

PJ: What's your favorite version, Nadir?

NADIR: I'm partial to the Susan Kay version, myself.

ERIK: And I can't imagine why that is. He gets a whole chunk of the book dedicated to him.

NADIR: Shut up.

PJ: What about this version?

NADIR: Webber's? Not a fan. He left out, ahem, one of the chief characters.

ERIK: Yeah, you're right! He should have included the rat catcher!

NADIR: …

PJ: How about it, Mom? Which one's your favorite?

CHRISTINE: I wouldn't call it my favorite, but Wishbone was adorable—

ERIK: Oh, I'd forgotten that one! Have you seen it, fop? You're portrayed by a Jack Russell terrier! I always knew you were a dog, and now I have the proof!

RAOUL: Right. *sneeze* Julian Sands!

ERIK: …Oh you did _not _just go there.

DR. LOVEJOY: Ssh! It's starting!

*lights go down, auctioneer bangs gavel*

ERIK: *whispers* Have you seen this live, doc? It's pretty freaking amazing. You see, under that huge tarp over there is—

DR. LOVEJOY: *mutters* I'm perfectly aware of what's under the tarp, Erik, now shut up!

ERIK: Sheesh. Just trying to give you a bit of a preview.

RAOUL: Quiet! I'm singing!

ERIK: Nobody cares about some old geezer in a wheelchair, pretty boy.

RANDOM AUDIENCE MEMBER: SSH!

ERIK: I swear, some people—

DR. LOVEJOY: Shut up before you get us kicked out!

ERIK: *eyeroll*

-later-

ERIK: Oh come on, my organ is bigger than that!

DR. LOVEJOY: Would you get off the organ, already?

ERIK: Well, doc, I don't think that's legal in public—

DR. LOVEJOY: Oh for God's sake!

ANOTHER RANDOM AUDIENCE MEMBER: Can it, over there!

ERIK: *looking around* Who said that? Who?

NADIR: Seriously, Erik, chill already!

ERIK: Oh, right, my serenade's coming up! *watches for a few minutes* I could sing circles around this clown—

RAOUL: Shut _up, _man!

ERIK: *sigh*

-later-

ERIK: Pitiful! The chandelier falls faster than that in—

DR. LOVEJOY: SSH!

ERIK: Oh, put a sock in it; it's intermission! And it's about time, too. These chairs are awful! My legs went numb ages ago and now I can't even feel my—

SHRILL SHRIEK: ERIK!

ERIK: *spazz attack* What the hell! Who said that? I knew it, doc, I just knew there'd be phangirls somewhere—

*Gemma emerges from crowd*

ERIK: Good God, it's her! Outta the way, people, I can still escape—

GEMMA: Erik, I've been looking for you for months! How could you just move without telling me? I had no idea where you were!

ERIK: Well, that was the whole point, honeybunch.

GEMMA: What do you mean, my love? We're soul mates! We're meant to be together!

CHRISTINE: Look, cupcake, we're just trying to have a night out—

GEMMA: What's _she _doing here, Erik? I thought she was supposed to be off schmoozing the stupid vicomte in some stupid mansion—

RAOUL: Hey, I'm right here, toots, so ease up!

PJ: Who is this lady, Erik?

GEMMA: …Erik, who is _that?_

ERIK: …Oh, this is my son, PJ. Have I mentioned him before?

GEMMA: You have a _son?_

ERIK: Yeah—with Christine!

GEMMA: _What?_

ERIK: You didn't know? Oh, baby doll, you need to start paying more attention to all the other versions!

GEMMA: I don't freaking believe this!

RAOUL: Tell me about it…

GEMMA: *deep breath* All right, Erik, I can accept this. It happened so long ago, after all. We can work through this, and it will only strengthen our relationship if we're honest with each other—

ERIK: Then as long as we're going for honesty…uh…*mutters* Someone help me out here!

CHRISTINE: *whispers back* Sure thing. *stands next to Erik and cops a feel*

GEMMA: Oh my _God! _You're still together!

ERIK: Why, yes, I guess we are. We just spent a weekend in Cancun, and it was _hot._

GEMMA: *indignant shriek* And you're telling me Raoul is okay with this?

RAOUL: What do you mean, okay? This is the first I've heard about—

CHRISTINE: *elbows him hard*

RAOUL: I mean, I'm totally okay with it! Christine and I have a pretty open marriage, and I've even got a few women of my own on the side—

ERIK: And have you read any phanphics? I don't know how many little urchins I've sired at this point.

GEMMA: _WHAT?_

ERIK: What can I say, babe? I get around.

GEMMA: Oh, that's it! We're done! We are so over!

ERIK: It breaks my heart to hear you say that, dearie.

GEMMA: I'm definitely posting those pictures now!

ERIK: Wait a minute, what pictures?

GEMMA: And I'm selling off the toothbrush and underwear I stole on eBay!

ERIK: What? You're the one who took my toothbrush? I thought the ferrets must have eaten it!

GEMMA: I thought we had something beautiful, but you're just a lying, cheating, no-good, double-crossing, back-stabbing man whore!

ERIK: Oh, go stalk Hugh Jackman already!

GEMMA: I'm _so _writing a story about this!

ERIK: Be sure to include Nadir! He's feeling left out lately.

GEMMA: *storms off*

ERIK: Finally, that settles her. *looks around and sees people staring* What are you looking at? Don't act like you haven't seen me before; I was onstage five minutes ago!

DR. LOVEJOY: You handled that rather cavalierly, Erik.

ERIK: Come off it, doc, I'm a player.

RAOUL: You didn't really spend a weekend in Cancun with Christine, did you?

ERIK: Wouldn't you love to know, buckaroo.

NADIR: *eyeroll* To answer your question, vicomte, there's no way he spent a weekend anywhere with anyone because the instant Friday night comes around, he parks his backside on the couch in front of that flat screen TV and camps there until Monday morning.

ERIK: And tell everyone how you know this, Nadir.

NADIR: …Because I was there last weekend.

DR. LOVEJOY: Look, intermission's almost over. Let's just sit back down and try not to get ejected from the auditorium.

PJ: Erik, have you really sired any urchins?

ERIK: …Christine, don't let our son read any phiction, all right?

*lights go down*

ERIK: Oh, I love this part! I'm telling you, doc, you won't believe how many compliments I get on the Red Death costume—

RANDOM AUDIENCE MEMBER: Ssh!

-later-

ERIK: Wait one damn minute! They're wrecking my script! I never told them to stage my opera like that!

DR. LOVEJOY: They haven't changed a thing, Erik, now be quiet!

ERIK: I will not! That's my brain child they're ruining!

CHRISTINE: Ssh! The duet is coming up!

RAOUL: Oh, I hate this part…

ERIK: Don't start crying on us, will you? Take it like a man!

RAOUL: Shut up.

-later-

ERIK: Six months of intensive, manic labor and all of my creative genius went into that opera, and it all went straight down the toilet in the blink of an eye. Thanks for that, Christine.

CHRISTINE: Sorry. I panicked.

ERIK: Panicked, shmanicked. You couldn't have at least finished out the scene and saved your dramatic reveal until we were backstage? No one wants to see my ugly mug!

NADIR: The khanum did.

ERIK: …Stuff it, Nadir.

-later-

DR. LOVEJOY: Come on, Erik, the show is over. Everyone's leaving now.

ERIK: *bawling* But it's so sad! I had finally learned what love was, and she still ditched me for that half-wit!

RAOUL: Hey! No name calling!

DR. LOVEJOY: Let's just get out of here, and when we get back to the penthouse we can order some take-out and talk it over.

ERIK: But I don't want to talk it over! How can I talk it over when my heart's been thrown under the wheels of a Greyhound bus? I may never love again!

NADIR: According to all the phics, you do. You just said you get around.

ERIK: Well, that is true.

DR. LOVEJOY: All right, how about this: We leave, and you can read all the steamy, badly-written, Phantom-finds-true-love phics you want.

ERIK: You would really do that for me?

DR. LOVEJOY: If it gets us out of here before they lock us in, then yes.

ERIK: Shucks, doc, you're the best friend a guy ever had!

NADIR: What about me?

ERIK: Oh, you're awesome too, but you never let me read any of those stories.

NADIR: Are you kidding me? You're full-frontal in some of those! Why in the name of all things Persian would I want to see _that?_

ERIK: Admit it, Nadir. You're jealous of my big organ.

NADIR: You're disgusting.

DR. LOVEJOY: Can we please stop talking about this?

ERIK: When we get back to the penthouse, I can play you Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D Minor on my—

DR. LOVEJOY: For the love of God, man!

ERIK: Sheesh, doc, I really was referring to the instrument that time. Some people just have no taste.

DR. LOVEJOY: …

**Just one more left, guys! :(**

**Tell me how you liked this one!**


	25. The Hearing

**Hello, all! Really sorry this one took so long, but between writer's block, an insane schedule, and the common cold, it gave me a little trouble. I really hope you like it!**

DR. LOVEJOY: Don't forget, Erik, your hearing is tomorrow.

ERIK: What hearing?

DR. LOVEJOY: The hearing for the judge to rule whether to continue your therapy or not! I told you about it two weeks ago!

ERIK: …Ohhh, _that _hearing! I didn't forget. I posted a note of it in the most obvious place for me to look.

DR. LOVEJOY: The fridge? The TV?

ERIK: My organ.

DR. LOVEJOY: …I hope you left tomorrow free.

ERIK: Of course I did. I got a sub to cover my classes.

DR. LOVEJOY: I thought you _were _a sub.

ERIK: Nah, I switched over. I'm a full-time music teacher now. Those kids needed someone to instill a few cultural leanings into their impressionable young minds.

DR. LOVEJOY: You're not teaching them songs about sleeping buds, moonless skies or anything like that, are you?

ERIK: Why would I do a thing like that?

DR. LOVEJOY: Never mind. The hearing isn't until nine-thirty, but I want you at the courthouse at eight o' clock sharp, got it?

ERIK: Yep.

DR. LOVEJOY: And there are a few things I want to go over before we're in front of the judge.

ERIK: Like what?

DR. LOVEJOY: Your behavior. If you screw this up, you'll make me look like an incompetent idiot and we'll be stuck here 'til the cows come home. So mind your manners—

ERIK: Check.

DR. LOVEJOY: Control your temper—

ERIK: Got it.

DR. LOVEJOY: Don't speak out of turn—

ERIK: Sure thing.

DR. LOVEJOY: And above all, no organ jokes.

ERIK: Oh, come on, doc! The only shmuck who can't appreciate a good organ joke is a corpse!

DR. LOVEJOY: Well, considering you're the living corpse—

ERIK: Why, I oughtta…

DR. LOVEJOY: I mean it, Erik! Everything is riding on this! If you blow it, you're heading straight for the maximum security ward at the nearest mental institution!

ERIK: Doc, calm down, it'll be fine. I can be angelically charming if I so choose to be.

DR. LOVEJOY: You'd better not try the freaky, hypnotic voice thing on the judge, or I'll commit you myself.

ERIK: Damn.

-next morning-

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, where have you been? I said I wanted you here at eight sharp and it is now—

ERIK: Five after eight. Gimme a break, doc, I ran into traffic.

DR. LOVEJOY: *sighs* Well, at least you're here now. *eyes Erik's appearance* Nice suit.

ERIK: What could you expect from the most immaculately dressed straight man on earth?

DR. LOVEJOY: Your socks don't match.

ERIK: Really? *checks* Ah, crap. But who are you to criticize? You've got crud stuck in your teeth and your fly is open.

DR. LOVEJOY: *spazzes* What? *checks*

ERIK: Gotcha!

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, I'm not in the mood for your games today!

ERIK: All right, sheesh, keep your pants on…seriously, though, there's something in your teeth.

DR. LOVEJOY: *sighs* Do you have a mirror?

ERIK: Three things, doc. One, I am not a woman. Two, I am not some puffed-up peacock of a dandy. Three, do you really freaking think the Phantom of the Opera carries a mirror on him?

DR. LOVEJOY: Never mind, I'll just find a rest room. *eyeroll* Someone's cranky this morning.

ERIK: It takes a crank to spot a crank, and you were griping first.

DR. LOVEJOY: Do me a favor and just shut up.

-later-

DR. LOVEJOY: I just heard the judge is in, so we're on in ten minutes. I want to go over a few things first, since I heard about what happened the last time you were here.

ERIK: Whatever you've heard, doc, it's a lie.

DR. LOVEJOY: The bailiff said you took the gavel from the judge and threw it out the window!

ERIK: The bailiff is lying his baton-toting ass off.

DR. LOVEJOY: Then how do you explain that contempt of court charge you sorted out two days before our sessions started?

ERIK: How do you know about that?

DR. LOVEJOY: I asked you first.

ERIK: *eyeroll* If you _must _know, the whole thing was bogus. It was a total misunderstanding.

DR. LOVEJOY: How is there any misunderstanding "pompous, rat-faced, shit-for-brains fancy man?"

ERIK: …Well, when you take it out of context like that, it sounds terrible, but at the time—

DR. LOVEJOY: Oh, whatever. And I hear you made a stink over what he kept calling you.

ERIK: "Mr. Phantom" sounds stupid as hell!

DR. LOVEJOY: What in the name of God do you think "Monsieur le Fantôme" means?

ERIK: Come on, doc, everything sounds classier in French! I could walk over to that clerk over there and say in French all sorts of things that would get me a sexual harassment charge faster than the speed of light in English, and she would just lap it up!

DR. LOVEJOY: If you take one step over there—

ERIK: I didn't say I was going to, for Pete's sake! Anyway, it's not like I have any one last name for anyone to use.

DR. LOVEJOY: Actually, you have several.

ERIK: *eyeroll* I _know _that, Jung, which is why I had to narrow it down a bit. I'm going with Destler these days. Nothing else has the same ring of dark, mysterious badassery.

DR. LOVEJOY: Well, whatever works…Did you really call the judge the whole pompous, rat-faced thing?

ERIK: Have you _seen _the judge, doctor?

DR. LOVEJOY: Which reminds me, I hope you left Bucky and Ricky at home.

ERIK: Duh, I'm not an idiot. My pockets are ferret-free and well-stocked with candy bars.

DR. LOVEJOY: You can't take candy into the courtroom!

ERIK: I have no idea how long this is going to take! For all you know, we won't be out of here until after lunch, and you know how moody I get when I don't eat.

DR. LOVEJOY: You didn't used to eat at all.

ERIK: But now I do, and look at me! I haven't crashed a chandelier in ages!

DR. LOVEJOY: I'm sure you're proud of yourself. *checks watch* It's almost time now. Remember, no organ jokes. And be respectful! Call the judge by his proper title, please!

ERIK: And what might that be?

DR. LOVEJOY: Just come on. *opens courtroom door*

ERIK: *looks around* That old windbag's not even here yet! If we have to sit around all morning waiting on this jack—

THE JUDGE: I must say, monsieur, it's less than a pleasure to see you again.

ERIK: Uh, yes of course…um…your Excellency?

THE JUDGE: …

ERIK: No?

THE JUDGE: Take a seat. I assume you've finally settled on a last name?

ERIK: Yes, my liege—that one's not right either, is it? Anyway, the name's Destler, if it pleases the court.

THE JUDGE: It does.

ERIK: I got one? That was right?

THE JUDGE: Yes, Mr. Destler, it was right.

ERIK: Yes!

THE JUDGE: And good morning, Dr. Lovejoy. I haven't seen you since you got Dr. Jekyll into those meetings.

DR. LOVEJOY: Good morning, your Honor.

ERIK: So that's the "proper" title?

THE JUDGE: Now, Mr. Destler, you're aware why we're here?

ERIK: Yes, your Honor. You want to know if I'm still unhinged.

THE JUDGE: If you want to put it that way, yes.

ERIK: Well, I can assure you, sir, I'm completely reformed and I'm now an upstanding member of the community.

THE JUDGE: Good to hear. *turns to Dr. Lovejoy* Is he?

ERIK: You mean you're not taking my word for it?

THE JUDGE: Considering you deceived a young girl into believing you were an angel and several hundred people you were a ghost, I think I'll be trusting the doctor on this one, Mr. Destler.

ERIK: *sits back grumbling*

DR. LOVEJOY: *mutters* Watch it, Erik. *to the judge* Your Honor, I've been working with Erik these past few months, and he's come a long way in a short time.

THE JUDGE: How did the anger management go?

DR. LOVEJOY: Wonderfully, once we found a method that didn't involve chandeliers, torture chambers or lassos—

ERIK: Actually, doc, I've strangled that doll several times—

DR. LOVEJOY: Shut up!

THE JUDGE: What doll?

DR. LOVEJOY: …We've found that if Mr. Destler takes his aggression out on an object like, say, a doll, he's less likely to lose his temper elsewhere with other people.

THE JUDGE: This isn't like that mannequin of Christine Daaé, is it?

DR. LOVEJOY: I can assure you that it is not.

ERIK: What exactly do you people think I do with that mannequin, anyway?

DR. LOVEJOY: …

THE JUDGE: …

ERIK: Strike that, I'm sure I don't want to know.

THE JUDGE: I understand he had a particular grudge against the Vicomte de Chagny.

ERIK: Oh, the fop and I are past that now.

THE JUDGE: How did you manage that?

ERIK: With a trained ferret, a couple of hot rods, some motorcycles, and a trick coin. And he kinda found out about my love child with his wife.

DR. LOVEJOY: Oh, dear God…

ERIK: Relax, doc, that's common knowledge to most of the phandom.

THE JUDGE: Love child? You mean…what was his name again?

ERIK: PJ, your Honor. And you will be pleased to hear that I am now taking an active part in his life.

THE JUDGE: Well, I can't say I'm too comforted to hear that you of all people are raising a child—

ERIK: Now what's that supposed to mean?

DR. LOVEJOY: Drop it, Erik! What he means, your Honor, is that he has come so far as to be more than fit to take part in bringing up his son.

ERIK: Yeah, I got a job and everything!

THE JUDGE: Really? How are you employed?

ERIK: I'm a music teacher at a local public school. You can't argue I'm not qualified for that!

THE JUDGE: And it's a _strictly_ teacher/student relationship with your pupils?

ERIK: _Why _does everyone assume I'm going to lose my mind over every lark I meet?

THE JUDGE: Because that's why we're here in the first place, Mr. Destler.

ERIK: Oh, sure, play your trump card! If you ask me, _that _was the isolated incident.

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, will you please shut up!

ERIK: Doc, you're getting a little anxious.

DR. LOVEJOY: Well, I wonder why!

THE JUDGE: So tell me more about this job, Mr. Destler.

ERIK: I took over from the old teacher. I actually started as a substitute, but when I switched to regular hours she didn't want to leave at first, so I sent her a note—

DR. LOVEJOY: Oh, God, you threatened a teacher out of a job!

ERIK: No, I didn't! I simply suggested that she'd be more happily employed elsewhere. Then she started bitching about how her loan shark was going to break her legs, so I gave her ten thousand dollars to shut her up.

THE JUDGE: So you bribed this teacher into giving you her job?

ERIK: …When you put it that way it sounds really bad…

DR. LOVEJOY: Damn it, Erik!

ERIK: You know, doc, you're really edgy today. Did you eat this morning?

DR. LOVEJOY: No, I skipped breakfast.

ERIK: Well, there's your problem! Here, have a Snickers.

THE JUDGE: Candy in the courtroom, Mr. Destler?

ERIK: Sure, judge. Want one?

THE JUDGE: I'll pass.

ERIK: We figured my anorexia wasn't helping to improve my temper, so I actually eat now. I'm a happy-go-lucky guy unless I skip a meal.

THE JUDGE: That's good to hear. Now, as for your place of residence…

ERIK: I moved out of the Opera House and into my own apartment, as you ordered. _That _was an ordeal, but we survived it.

DR. LOVEJOY: By the way, did you pay the rent this month, Erik?

ERIK: *eyeroll* Yes, doc, I did.

THE JUDGE: How does he get along with people now, Dr. Lovejoy?

DR. LOVEJOY: With all the arrogance and superiority of a genius, your Honor, but he's all right unless he's dealing with phangirls—

ERIK: *spazzes* What? Where?

DR. LOVEJOY: *sighs* We're still working on that one.

THE JUDGE: I see. You mentioned hot rods earlier. Would you care to explain that?

ERIK: I learned how to drive. I'm licensed, insured, and I have my own car. She's a Shelby GT 500 named Christine.

DR. LOVEJOY: *groans*

THE JUDGE: After Christine Daaé?

DR. LOVEJOY: *groans*

ERIK: Yeah, that way I get to ride—

DR. LOVEJOY: For Christ's sake, Erik!

THE JUDGE: Calm yourself, doctor. Continue, Mr. Destler.

ERIK: Well, like I said, I'm an upstanding member of the community. I'm actually going to pay taxes this year.

THE JUDGE: That's good, or I'd have to pop you for evasion. Now, I understand this might be a touchy subject, but to the best of my knowledge you have some psychological issues related to your…deformity.

ERIK: Oh, you mean that no one ever loved me thanks to my face?

THE JUDGE: Well…yes.

ERIK: Your Honor, I'm here to tell you that Dr. Lovejoy is a miracle worker. With the doc's help, I've come to see that there are people who actually _like _my face the way it is, though I think they might need their heads examined. And hideous disfigurement or not, the ladies love a brilliant, brooding, mysterious musician—and I'm _the _brilliant, brooding, mysterious musician. I'm a new man, judge!

THE JUDGE: …Very well then, Mr. Destler. After hearing all of this, it's the court's decision to terminate your therapy.

ERIK: You're serious?

THE JUDGE: Yes, Mr. Destler. I'm satisfied with your progress at this point. Just don't let me see you in here again.

ERIK: Oh, no worries, your Honor. This is the best news I've heard since they announced plans for the new US tour!

THE JUDGE: Congratulations, doctor. You're free of him.

DR. LOVEJOY: Thank you _so _much, your Honor.

ERIK: I think I'm gonna go home, pour myself some wine, light all the candles, and enjoy a celebratory pounding of my organ.

DR. LOVEJOY: *explodes* Jesus, Mary and Joseph, I can't take it anymore! All I asked was for no stupid organ jokes!

ERIK: *shocked* Doc, calm down, I—

DR. LOVEJOY: No, I'm not going to calm down! I've had to put up with all your crap pro bono, I've had nightmares of masked, rabid ferrets, and I can't even stand to listen to the Overture anymore! I am sick and damn tired of you! You're nothing but a pain in my ass, Erik Destler!

THE JUDGE: Dr. Lovejoy, I suggest you get a grip on yourself!

DR. LOVEJOY: As for you, judge, you really must have shit for brains if you're going to let this twist walk out of here! He's psychotic! He's a menace! He's—

THE JUDGE: I'm warning you, doctor—

DR. LOVEJOY: Oh, quit your bitching, you senile old bastard!

THE JUDGE: *bangs gavel* Dr. Lovejoy, I'm holding you in contempt of court and fining you one thousand dollars! Now keep your mouth shut or I'll make it two!

DR. LOVEJOY: Well, there goes most of the rent money, seeing as I haven't been paid in months!

THE JUDGE: Sleep in your office, then, or shack up with Mr. Destler since the two of you have grown so close. And now, get the hell out of my courtroom.

ERIK: …Uh, thanks again, your Honor. You're rocking that hairpiece, by the way.

THE JUDGE: Just get going.

*Erik and the doctor leave the courtroom*

ERIK: So…that went well.

DR. LOVEJOY: …

ERIK: I take it you're pretty pissed at me.

DR. LOVEJOY: …

ERIK: …Want to get some lunch?

DR. LOVEJOY: …

ERIK: Doc?

DR. LOVEJOY: …!

ERIK: …

DR. LOVEJOY: …You're paying.

**Thanks again for reading and reviewing, everyone! You guys have been so awesome!**


	26. The Revenge Phic

**I had every intention of leaving off with the last chapter, but I realized I had a loose end I couldn't resist tying up! I hope you like it!**

_The clock on the wall reads 2:47 AM when she finally lays aside her pen. She lets out a yawn and a sigh, stretching cat-like in her chair before reaching for the paper on the desk. She draws it closer to read what she's written, absently chewing on the earpiece of her steel-rimmed glasses. It was so important that she get this right…  
><em>

* * *

><p>The candles had burned low, but still she waited patiently. In her hands she still held the note he'd sent her along with the long-stemmed red rose. She read his words again, though she already knew them by heart:<p>

_Dearest,_

_ I have taken you for granted and abused your loving heart _

_ abominably, but I have seen at last that I cannot live without_

_ you. You hold my life in your hands, my angel, and if you can't_

_ find it in yourself to forgive me, I might as well be dead. If you_

_ meet me at the place where you first told me you loved me at _

_ midnight tonight, I will know that you care for me still. With all_

_ of my heart, I remain_

_ Your obedient servant,_

_ Erik_

How could she do otherwise but meet him? She looked around her at the walls of the lair and her spirit swelled with emotion. Here, her Erik had felt such sorrow and loneliness, but she was determined he would know only perfect happiness from now on. The love they would share would erase all the pain and leave only memories in its wake.

She heard at last his near-silent footfalls as he approached, but even if she hadn't her heart had already sensed the presence of her beloved. She turned, her maple brown hair shining like polished bronze in the candleglow, and her eyes lit up to see his tall, spare form appear like an apparition at the edge of the shadows. She ran to him and threw herself into his arms, clinging to him as if she could tell him all she felt for him in one embrace. "Erik," she sighed in her low yet musical voice, "I knew you would come back to me."

"I thought I was still in love with Christine," he replied in his deep, velvety baritone, "but I was a fool. You are the only woman I could ever love, and I never want to be parted from you."

She looked up into his eyes, feeling their golden fire burn into her soul, and tenderly removed the mask he wore. "You don't need to hide this face from me," she told him. "This face has made you who you are, and I love you just the way you are, Erik. Christine is unworthy of a man with such inner beauty as yours."

Tears of love and gratitude filled his eyes as he whispered, "Thank you for seeing the man behind the mask, my love. How can I ever repay you for healing my long-broken heart?"

Her penetrating blue-gray gaze only deepened and she said, "Kiss me, my Angel of Music."

His misshapen lips met hers in one magical, passion-filled moment as the sounds of violins from the Opera orchestra echoed down to them. The earth shook beneath their feet in awe at the complete and utter devotion they shared. If ever the sun shone in the underground lair, it did for the two of them, soul mates who had found each other at last.

When they finally broke away, their hearts were racing in anticipation, wondering what the moment held in store. He ran his hands up and down her slender body and she asked, "What happens now, darling?"

"With your permission, dear goddess," he declared, "I am going to take you to my bed and make sweet, passionate love to you."

Her heart fluttered at his words and she replied, "I had hoped to save my precious flower for marriage, but…"

"But?" he prompted, his voice heavy with the weight of his aching need.

She locked eyes with him once again and he knew the fire of her sexuality had been unleashed. "But for you, Erik," she murmured, "I'll do anything."

He swept her up into his arms and carried her through the lair, laying her down in the middle of the swan bed. He then began to undress, his hunger for her growing ever stronger.

She watched him disrobe, her body already tingling in its most secret places, and when he stood bare before her, she allowed her eyes to wander over his taut physique. A touch of the maiden remained within her, and at first she didn't let herself look where her desire bid her. Finally, she focused her gaze below his waist—and paused.

"What is it, my sweet?" he asked.

Gemma looked up into his eyes and said, "Erik, your organ's not _that _big."

* * *

><p><em>She sets the page down, satisfied, and laughs. "Wait until they read this!"<em>

**That really was the last one, I swear. I still can't believe I actually let this get by with being so cheesy, even in jest, but it was necessary. So, one last time, honk if you liked it!**_  
><em>


	27. On Caffeine

**Surprise! I meant to take a good long rest after finishing "Condemnation" (a whole three or four days, tops! Can you believe it?), but this has been sitting on my flash drive for a long time, and I couldn't wait any longer!**

*cell phone rings, _Fraiser _theme*

DR. LOVEJOY: *sleeps through it*

-five minutes later-

*cell phone rings*

DR. LOVEJOY: *grunt*

*phone keeps ringing*

DR. LOVEJOY: *groan*

*phone keeps ringing*

DR. LOVEJOY: *sighs, answers phone* Hello?

ERIK: Doc? You awake?

DR. LOVEJOY: *groan* Erik, it's— *glances at clock* three-thirty in the morning! Why would I be awake this early?

ERIK: Well, you're awake now.

DR. LOVEJOY: Because you called me and woke me up!

ERIK: Sorry, but it's important!

DR. LOVEJOY: It had _better _be.

ERIK: It is!

DR. LOVEJOY: Then what is it?

ERIK: I can't sleep!

DR. LOVEJOY: …

ERIK: Doc? You still there?

DR. LOVEJOY: *sigh* Erik, we've been over this! The phangirls aren't coming for you! It's just a nightmare!

ERIK: No, that's not the problem.

DR. LOVEJOY: Then what _is _the problem?

ERIK: Well, you see, I've been seeing all these advertisements and whatnot for something called "Red Bull," and—

DR. LOVEJOY: And what's that got to do with the price of eggs up the Queen of England's ass?

ERIK: Huh?

DR. LOVEJOY: Just get to the point! …No, wait, don't tell me…

ERIK: I thought it might be interesting to try it, that way I could really stay alert for long stints of composing and shit, so I bought a couple cases…well, to be honest, it was more like a _couple _of a couple…and at first I thought it tasted like crap but then it started to kick in, so I drank some more, and one thing led to another, and it all just snowballed, and long story short I can't sleep!

DR. LOVEJOY: And what do you want me to do about it? Go work on your music, if that was the plan!

ERIK: It was, but I can't even sit still! I'm jogging the stairs of the building as we speak!

DR. LOVEJOY: Great then, if it's keeping you busy, I'm going back to bed—

ERIK: No, don't hang up! I'm coming over!

DR. LOVEJOY: What! Why?

ERIK: The stairs are getting boring and I don't want to sit by myself!

DR. LOVEJOY: Then call Joe the pizza boy and play _Halo,_ or something!

ERIK: I tried, but he got really angry and started cussing me out for some reason.

DR. LOVEJOY: Well, I wonder why! It's three-thirty in the morning!

ERIK: Doc, have a heart! I'm so wired my organ is playing itself!

DR. LOVEJOY: Oh my God, you're insane! If you come over here to bother me, I'm going to hit you over the head with something very _very _heavy!

ERIK: Calm down, doc, remember, count to ten and think of a peaceful place.

DR. LOVEJOY: Oh, shut up!

*doorbell rings*

DR. LOVEJOY: Now what the hell is that?

ERIK: Oh, that'll be the takeout I ordered. I just had it sent to your place. I'll be there in ten minutes.

DR. LOVEJOY: See here, Destler, you can't just—

*click*

DR. LOVEJOY: Damn it!

-later-

DR. LOVEJOY: I am _so _going to kick your ass one of these days…

ERIK: You know, I've heard that before and the actual ass-kicking has yet to commence on all counts, doc.

DR. LOVEJOY: Well, don't expect to get lucky this time. And pass the egg rolls.

*eating in silence*

ERIK: So, doc, what do you do at 3 AM on a Wednesday night?

DR. LOVEJOY: I sleep, Erik, like normal people!

ERIK: Well, excuse me! Sheesh! Hey, you know I heard a great joke the other day! Two nuns go into a liquor store and—

DR. LOVEJOY: Please, spare me right now. I'm not in the mood.

ERIK: Not in the mood for a joke? It's a great one, I swear!

DR. LOVEJOY: Not right now! Maybe later.

*silence*

ERIK: All right, it's later. Two nuns go into a liquor store—

DR. LOVEJOY: I said no!

ERIK: All right, fine! You know, you're crabby in the mornings. Hey, do you want to play slapjack?

DR. LOVEJOY: Not right now.

ERIK: Well, what _do _you want to do? If I wanted to sit around and do nothing, I could have stayed at home!

DR. LOVEJOY: Then why didn't you?

ERIK: Because I'm having the kind of rush Charlie Sheen can only dream about! I've got energy to burn!

DR. LOVEJOY: You know, I'm not ready to handle this on my own. *picks up phone and dials*

ERIK: Who are you calling?

DR. LOVEJOY: Reinforcements. *into phone* Hello, Nadir? This is Dr. Lovejoy…I know, and I'm sorry to wake you, but it's urgent…I can't explain over the phone, but it's about Erik. Could you come to my apartment? Good, I'll see you then. *hangs up*

ERIK: Why couldn't you explain over the phone? I did.

DR. LOVEJOY: And after hearing it, had there been anything in my power to stop you from coming over, I would have done it. The last thing I want is to scare off my only ally.

ERIK: So you're going to trick my old friend into suffering with you?

DR. LOVEJOY: Pretty much.

ERIK: …Sounds groovy.

*silence*

ERIK: Got any gum?

-fifteen minutes later-

NADIR: I came as fast as I could, doctor. What's so urgent?

DR. LOVEJOY: *points* That is.

ERIK: Oh my God, doc, my _teeth _are tingling!

NADIR: …What?

DR. LOVEJOY: Long story short, Nadir, Red Bull was involved.

NADIR: *groans* The energy drink? You're telling me he's buzzed?

DR. LOVEJOY: Out of his mind.

ERIK: Do you guys hear that humming noise?

NADIR: Oh, for the love of Allah…what are we supposed to do?

DR. LOVEJOY: There's nothing we _can _do except wait for him to crash.

ERIK: What! No way, doc, you can't leave me like this! Look at me! My nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale!

NADIR: That's why I put you on opium, you half-wit! You can't handle stimulants!

ERIK: Can't you at least give me a valium or some other happy pill you shrinks like to pass out?

DR. LOVEJOY: I'm not giving you one drug just to bring you down off another! You're just going to have to tough it out!

NADIR: So that's why you called me? You didn't want to deal with him alone?

DR. LOVEJOY: For crying out loud, it's nearly four in the morning, and I have patients to cope with that don't give me half this trouble! Just give me a break here!

NADIR: *sigh* Fine, but you owe me big time.

DR. LOVEJOY: Fair enough.

ERIK: Hey, Nadir, I heard a great joke the other day! Two nuns go into a liquor store—

NADIR: Actually, I never thought nun jokes were that funny.

ERIK: Damn! _Two _buzzkills!

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, could you please stop shouting?

ERIK: I can't help it, doc! I'm cleared for takeoff!

DR. LOVEJOY: Well, it's your own fault, mister! Who decided to go hog wild with the caffeine?

ERIK: Would you get off my back already? Isn't it punishment enough that I can't even freaking blink?

DR. LOVEJOY: Oh, and you did _so_ much of that before.

ERIK: …Well, you have a point, there…ah, crap, the caffeine's working. Doc, I need to see a man about a gondola, if you follow me.

DR. LOVEJOY: …Oh! Sure, first door on the left down the hall.

ERIK: Thanks. *disappears*

DR. LOVEJOY: *silence*

NADIR: *silence*

DR. LOVEJOY: So…opium, huh?

NADIR: Yep. Then he switched to morphine. I'm wondering, though…on a caffeine high, shouldn't he be hyperactive and anxious?

ERIK: *runs into room* Oh my God, doc, it's a disaster! I just realized I've been writing my symphony in B minor when it should be in F major! It's ruined! What am I going to do?

NADIR: And there it is.

DR. LOVEJOY: Can't you just change the key? Is the conniption fit necessary?

ERIK: That's not the point! If I've jacked this up, what other mistakes have I made in the course of my composing? My self-confidence is shattered! I can never write again!

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, just calm down, it's only the caffeine making you overreact—

ERIK: How is it overreacting when the universe as I know it has imploded? I'm a failure! I'm not fit to teach music to a pack of pimply, pubescent, hormonal, rebellious, know-it-all, smart ass teenagers! I'm going to lose my job, I won't be able to pay rent, I'm going to be evicted from my apartment, I'm going to have to sell Christine for cash—

NADIR: The Shelby?

ERIK: Yes, the Shelby! Did you think I was going to pimp out the love of my life and the mother of my son? And what about PJ? How am I going to take care of him? He'll be skint broke and friendless and forced into a life of crime, snatching purses and robbing convenience stores, and the next thing you know he'll be holding up banks—

NADIR: *undertone* Can't we just give him a tranquilizer already?

ERIK: —and he'll have to live on the lam, always on the run—

DR. LOVEJOY: You're the one who's dealt with him like this. What do you think we should do?

ERIK: —and the cops will catch up with him at the movies one night—

NADIR: Well, in addition to being a pain in the ass, he's a danger to himself when he gets like this…

ERIK: —and there'll be a big ass shootout with bullets flying in every direction—

DR. LOVEJOY: Then in that case…*pulls out bottle of pills* If anyone asks, you never saw me with these.

NADIR: Ten-four on that.

ERIK: —and he'll be shot dead with all guns blazing—

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, take two of these and shut the hell up.

ERIK: —and I don't want to have to bury my boy!...What?

DR. LOVEJOY: Take these *offers pills* and chill out.

ERIK: Will it help fix me?

DR. LOVEJOY: In record time.

ERIK: *sigh* Doc, you're a saint. *takes pills* So what are these supposed to do?

DR. LOVEJOY: You'll see in a bit.

ERIK: Doc, you better not be yanking my chain at a time like this! When you tell me this is going to do something, it had better— *passes out in floor*

NADIR: Good call, doctor.

DR. LOVEJOY: Well, I have my more brilliant moments on occasion. Nadir, you're free to crash on the couch if you want.

NADIR: I think I'll take you up on that. What about Captain Caffeine over here?

DR. LOVEJOY: …Let's just leave him there. I was planning on getting some shut-eye, then hitting up IHOP in a few hours. You in?

NADIR: Sure. How long do you think he's going to be out?

DR. LOVEJOY: I'd imagine by the time he wakes up, Andrew Lloyd Webber will have written another sequel.

NADIR: Jesus, doc! What the hell did you give him?

DR. LOVEJOY: Let's just say it's not even legal in Mexico…the less you know, the better.

NADIR: …Sorry I asked.

**Any old readers out there? You know the drill!**


	28. On Intimate Relations

**A big hello to all of you, and happy new year! :) Pardon me, but this chapter is much cruder than usual...the idea was suggested to me by a user on another site, and I couldn't walk away from it. Enjoy!**

DR. LOVEJOY: How have you been keeping, Erik?

ERIK: I'm alive. Apart from that, things suck.

DR. LOVEJOY: …Anything in particular? How are things at work?

ERIK: I'm a genius forced to squash down my own brilliance to try and hammer some knowledge into idiot kids all day in the hope they learn something. How do you _think _they are?

DR. LOVEJOY: Fine, sorry for asking. How is PJ?

ERIK: *sigh* He's fine, but he wants me to take him to a football game sometime.

DR. LOVEJOY: Well, that's good news! You can spend some quality time together!

ERIK: I loathe sporting events.

DR. LOVEJOY: *undertone* Why am I even surprised?

ERIK: What's that?

DR. LOVEJOY: Nothing. How are Christine and Raoul?

ERIK: …

DR. LOVEJOY: Never mind. Erik, how have you been feeling in general?

ERIK: In general? Pissed off.

DR. LOVEJOY: Really? Have you been torturing the Raoul mannequin?

ERIK: So much so that I've actually had to rebuild it several times.

DR. LOVEJOY: I see. Been playing with Bucky and Ricky?

ERIK: I guess so, but—still pissed.

DR. LOVEJOY: For no reason at all?

ERIK: For none that I can think of.

DR. LOVEJOY: …Erik, out of curiosity, how long has it been since you…*hums indistinctly*

ERIK: What are you mumbling?

DR. LOVEJOY: When was the last time you got any, you know…action?

ERIK: What action?

DR. LOVEJOY: *sigh* The last time you were with a woman?

ERIK: Well, I had a less than delightful encounter with a horrendous cashier at the grocery store—

DR. LOVEJOY: No, I mean the last time you were _with _a woman?

ERIK: …I still don't follow you.

DR. LOVEJOY: *inhales* One, two, three, four—

ERIK: Doc?

DR. LOVEJOY: Shut up…eight, nine, ten. *exhales* Erik, when was the last time you had intimate relations of a physical nature with a woman?

ERIK: Oh! That! Well, let me think…how old did we decide PJ is?

DR. LOVEJOY: I think we settled on twelve.

ERIK: All right, then, so that would be…twelve years and nine months. Ballpark estimate.

DR. LOVEJOY: …That's a _really _long time, Erik.

ERIK: You're telling me? And decades of total, frustrated, involuntary celibacy before that? Is it any wonder I have anger issues?

DR. LOVEJOY: Well, you know you can't pin all your aggression on your thwarted sex drive.

ERIK: Says who?

DR. LOVEJOY: My point is, I think you need to socialize more, go out on the town, sow some wild oats.

ERIK: Doc, at my age, none of my oats are that wild.

DR. LOVEJOY: Tell that to the phangirls.

ERIK: *spazzes* What! Where?

DR. LOVEJOY: *sigh* Anyway, wild oats or rancid porridge, you need to have a fling.

ERIK: I'm going to ignore that initial, sleazy, uncalled-for comment, and just ask you if you've lost your mind.

DR. LOVEJOY: No, I haven't. Why?

ERIK: Well, I know you said "chicks dig me," but the only ones that are into a freak like me are the phangirls, and something tells me there's no having a fling with a phangirl when you're the Phantom himself.

DR. LOVEJOY: OK, you have a point there…but surely not all normal women are repulsed by you?

ERIK: Gee, thanks, doc.

DR. LOVEJOY: No, I mean, some of you aren't that bad-looking! You're telling me that Gerik can't get himself a date? And Julian Sands isn't even deformed, for Pete's sake!

ERIK: You say the J-S word again, and I'm feeding you to the ferrets.

DR. LOVEJOY: My point is, I really doubt you'll have a hard time picking up girls at a bar if you play your cards right.

ERIK: Well, so do I, but after that chump spewed on me at that dance club, I decided to never set foot in a bar again.

DR. LOVEJOY: Oh, come on! I'm trying to get you laid, here! Work with me a little! What do you think you're going to do, hire a hooker?

ERIK: …That's actually not a bad idea. Do you know anybody?

DR. LOVEJOY: *facepalm* Forget it. I give up.

ERIK: No, wait, I think I might have an alternative…*dials cell phone* Hi, it's me…Yeah, I know—

DR. LOVEJOY: That had better not be Christine.

ERIK: Shut up. *into phone* No, not you, I'm talking to the doctor…oh, sure. *to Dr. Lovejoy* Doc, she says hey.

DR. LOVEJOY: _Who _says hey?

ERIK: *into phone* So, I was thinking, are you busy tonight? ...I was wondering if you'd want to come over— *jumps, holds phone away from ear*

DR. LOVEJOY: Erik, what the hell is going on?

ERIK: Hang on, doc, I'm trying to close a deal. *holds phone to ear* Listen…_listen_…WOMAN, I SAID CHILL! …Thank you. Now, how about meeting me at that Italian restaurant downtown—yes, that one, in about an hour, then afterwards we can head back to my place…no, it's not like that, it's just sex— *jumps again, holds phone away from ear*

DR. LOVEJOY: Well, at least you've made your libidinous intentions clear.

ERIK: Shut up. *into phone* Great, see you then. *hangs up* Well, I gotta get ready, and maybe clean up around here a little, so I'll talk to you tomorrow, doc.

DR. LOVEJOY: Sure, but who was that on the phone?

ERIK: …Nobody.

DR. LOVEJOY: Was it Christine? Meg? Mme. Giry?

ERIK: No, no, and good God, no. Now get out of here.

DR. LOVEJOY: Fine, but I just want to say that I don't generally approve of casual sex and one-night stands.

ERIK: What are you talking about? This was your idea!

DR. LOVEJOY: Nevertheless, I don't approve, but I accept that as humans, we all have urges that must be satisfied on occasion for good overall health—

ERIK: Whatever, Mr. Rogers, just beat it.

DR. LOVEJOY: All right, all right, I'm going. Have fun, and be safe with whoever you're bringing back here. *leaves*

-next morning-

*knock knock*

ERIK: *opens door, tying belt of bathrobe* Doc, you're here kind of early, aren't you?

DR. LOVEJOY: It's a quarter after noon, Erik.

ERIK: Is it? Man, that was a late night…

DR. LOVEJOY: So, I trust things went well?

ERIK: Oh, hell yes. Come on in.

DR. LOVEJOY: Am I intruding?

ERIK: No, you're fine. *ushers Dr. Lovejoy into living room* Can I get you anything? I was just about to make some pancakes.

DR. LOVEJOY: Oh, uh…just a glass of water will be fine.

ERIK: Sure thing.

*gets water*

ERIK: Here you are, doc.

DR. LOVEJOY: Thanks. Are you finally going to tell me who your mystery woman was? *starts sipping water*

ERIK: Well, I would, but if you don't approve of one-night stands, you _really _wouldn't approve of this.

DR. LOVEJOY: Oh, God, it _was _Christine, wasn't it?

ERIK: No, it was—

FEMALE VOICE: Erik, who was that at the door?

*Gemma enters living room wearing nothing but a man's shirt*

DR. LOVEJOY: *spit take*

ERIK: Hey, watch the carpet!

DR. LOVEJOY: What—you mean—what the—_her?_

GEMMA: Nice to see you, doctor. Erik, after last night, I think I almost need a wheelchair! You don't mind if I borrow your shirt, do you?

ERIK: Nah. You look good in it.

GEMMA: I look better out of it. *wink*

ERIK: Very true…very true…

DR. LOVEJOY: Excuse me! Is someone going to tell me what the fu—

ERIK: Doc, calm down, and I'll tell you. You see, I got to thinking, who do I know who would come over at a moment's notice just to hook up?

DR. LOVEJOY: And you called _Gemma?_

GEMMA: Well, yeah. I knew he'd come back to me someday.

ERIK: I didn't want to take a chance on another phangirl, you see—

GEMMA: Because I'd shank that bitch faster than you can say "holy flying sheep in a shipwreck."

ERIK: And because I already _know _she's a freaking psycho. I know what I'm dealing with…Though once she gets a couple drinks in her, she's full of surprises—

DR. LOVEJOY: *covers ears* Lalalalalala not listening lalalalalalala—

ERIK: OK, OK, relax. I'm going to start coffee.

GEMMA: No, I'll do it. You need to sit and save your energy. *leaves room*

DR. LOVEJOY: *whispers* Are. You. _Insane? _There are millions upon millions of women who would leap at the chance to sleep with you, and you called Little Miss Looney Tunes?

ERIK: It's not such a big deal, you know. You noticed something different about her?

DR. LOVEJOY: …New glasses highlighting that spark of psychosis in her eyes?

ERIK: No, about her demeanor.

DR. LOVEJOY: Well, she seemed less high-strung and more sedate than the last time I saw her…

ERIK: That, doc, is what you call one satisfied woman.

DR. LOVEJOY: …So you're telling me that you _both _just needed to get off to take the edge off your crazy?

ERIK: Pretty much.

DR. LOVEJOY: *sigh* All those hours we spent in therapy trying to fix you, and all it took was one booty call with a lunatic to straighten you out…

ERIK: I know, who would have guessed it? It was a damn good one, too. We went to dinner, we started talking over a few glasses of wine, we split some tiramisu, then we came back here and I let her play my organ. And this time I'm not talking about the musical instrument.

DR. LOVEJOY: *covers ears* Lalalalalalala—

ERIK: Fine, then, I'll leave out the pornographic details…but I'm telling you, we were just going at it like animals in mating season—

DR. LOVEJOY: *covers ears* Lalalalalalala—

ERIK: All right! I'll stop!

*Gemma comes back into living room*

GEMMA: Coffee's brewing. I'm going to jump in your shower, if that's all right.

ERIK: Go ahead.

*Gemma leaves room*

*water starts running in bathroom down the hall*

DR. LOVEJOY: …

ERIK: …

DR. LOVEJOY: …

ERIK: Hang on, I'll be back… *leaves room*

*silence*

*muffled music starts playing, "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman" by Bryan Adams*

DR. LOVEJOY: Oh dear God… *leaves apartment*

-two weeks later-

ERIK: Doc, I need some advice on something.

DR. LOVEJOY: I'm all ears. What is it?

ERIK: Well…it's of a rather sensitive nature, and I feel awkward talking about it…

DR. LOVEJOY: Don't be embarrassed. You can tell me.

ERIK: *sigh* You see, lately I've been having some trouble…well, it's not trouble, exactly, but it's not pleasant…

DR. LOVEJOY: What is it?

ERIK: Well, I…whenever I go to, um, use the facilities—

DR. LOVEJOY: Hold it right there. Do I really need to hear this?

ERIK: Doc, please! It's a dire and delicate situation!

DR. LOVEJOY: *sigh* Keep talking.

ERIK: Fine…well, when I have to…erm, urinate, it's sort of uncomfortable—

DR. LOVEJOY: *undertone* So is this conversation…

ERIK: That is, it's not so much of a relief as it is—what I mean to say—

DR. LOVEJOY: It burns when you pee?

ERIK: Well, I wasn't going to put it so crudely, but yeah. And also, I seem to be having some…discharge…

DR. LOVEJOY: …Discharge?

ERIK: For God's sake, doc, you don't have to repeat it! What the hell is going on with me?

DR. LOVEJOY: Well, Erik, it sounds to me like you have chlamydia.

ERIK: I have what?

DR. LOVEJOY: Chlamydia. It's a sexually transmitted disease—

ERIK: I _know _what it is! How did I get it?

DR. LOVEJOY: I would think the term "sexually transmitted" was explanation enough—

ERIK: I _know _how I got it! But where would I have—hold on. *dials cell phone* Me again…yes, I know. Look, I want you over here as fast as you can get here…don't get your panties in a bunch, I want to talk to you about something urgent….OK, great. *hangs up* Gemma is on her way over. I mean it, this time I'm gonna straight up push her off the balcony.

DR. LOVEJOY: Well, I could have told you nothing good would come of this, but I thought after a surprise pregnancy you would have at least taken advantage of modern technology and used protection. You and I really need to have a discussion about safe sex.

ERIK: Can it, doc, I'm not in the mood!

-fifteen minutes later-

*knock knock*

*door opens*

GEMMA: Erik, what's so urgent?

ERIK: Holy shit, woman, you gave me the clap!

GEMMA: …What?

DR. LOVEJOY: Chlamydia. It's a sexually transmitted—

GEMMA: I _know _what it is! But how…*storms over, grabs Erik by the collar* Spill it! Who is she?

ERIK: Who is who?

GEMMA: The filthy skanking whore you've been sleeping around with!

ERIK: What the hell are you talking about? I've slept with a grand total of two women my entire life, and there's only one I've been with recently!

GEMMA: So…it _was _me? But…I had no idea…

DR. LOVEJOY: Well, women don't have visible symptoms. It's called the silent epidemic, you know.

ERIK: So the question is, who have _you _been sleeping around with, missy?

GEMMA: No one! Not since…one second. *dials cell phone* EWAN! WHAT THE F&#%, MAN?

ERIK: …

DR. LOVEJOY: …

ERIK: So what do we do, doc?

DR. LOVEJOY: We take a trip to the clinic and see about getting this mess cleaned up. Then we all need to have a chat and teach you how to use a condom—

GEMMA: That means _you, _baby daddy.

DR. LOVEJOY: And lecture _you _about promiscuity.

ERIK: That means _you, _V.D. girl. Anyone else you've been doing the deed with lately?

GEMMA: No!...Well, I might have to warn Hadley…

ERIK: …

DR. LOVEJOY: …

**If you liked it, you know what to do!**


End file.
